6 Drinking Games (That Make Spike TV Tolerable)

  • July 04, 2010
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4.

Deadliest Warrior

When it comes to shows blatantly capitalizing on bar bets, few shows can outdo Deadliest Warrior. And that includes the television version of The Guinness Book of World Records, a book originally written to settle bar bets. The idea is to pit two fighters or groups (who never would have had a chance or reason to battle) in a fight to the death. From ninjas to Navy SEALs to the grand ol’ IRA, there is nobody above their powers of drastic oversimplification.

The show had potential when it was pitched. Have experts on different warriors and techniques fight to the death for our entertainment. Instead they just hired those people on as consultants while a couple “tests” helped feed numbers into a simulation using some of the worst science you’ve ever seen. The result would then be demonstrated by a couple of actors while the “experts” complained about the outcome.

warrior

No way! Zombie Ash would totally beat Zombie Spiderman! This is ridiculous!

To ease the repetitive nature of having undereducated “experts” endlessly scream about weight ratios, issue a few decrees to spice things up: • One drink: every time the host declares a kill • One drink: a dummy gets utterly destroyed • Two drinks: a clearly inferior opponent gets declared the winner • Two drinks: the show blatantly belittles any culture, injustice or struggle • Finish your drink: somebody explains why any of this matters

5.

Manswers

What if you could combine the painfully low budget nature and implausibility of 1000 Ways to Die with the trivial nature of Deadliest Warrior? Why, you’d have something almost as terrible as Manswers, the only show willing to ask hard hitting questions like “Besides humans, what's the only animal that engages in prostitution?” and “Does spanking lead to horniness?”.

It’s actually hard to describe the level of chauvinism that exists in a show like Manswers. There is virtually no question that the narrator, who sounds like AC/DC frontman Brian Johnson after smoking a pack of cigarettes and a punch in the throat, can’t tie into a shot of a woman’s chest. Not that there’s anything wrong with lady parts, but it was always our impression that the whole “men think of sex every 6 seconds” thing was an urban legend.

manswers

Why does the United States have a harder time finding an exit strategy in Afghanistan, than finding BOOBS in a burqua?

To alleviate the predictability and soothe the piercing horror that the announcer calls a voice, simply enforce this handy system: • One drink: a question is asked about sex • One drink: you successfully predict the “manswer” • Two drinks: you unsuccessfully predict the “manswer” • Two drinks: a question is asked about violence • Finish your drink: a question is asked that respects women as individuals

6.

WWE, TNA or any Wrestling Event

• Finish Your Drink: As soon as you turn on the show. There’s nothing more we can do to help.

You can keep up with Kevin Mack's rum-soaked ramblings by following him on Twitter. Got some rules of your own or feel the need to defend a faceless television network on the internet? Post a comment below! Written by Kevin Mack – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - MXC: http://www.dvdtalk.com/reviews/images/reviews/190/1177160696_4.jpg
  • - Oblivious: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_2GNe2CrPpJc/SPjc1FLntLI/AAAAAAAAAKc/BAVkER7OMQI/s400/Taco+Bell+3++10-18-08.jpg
  • - 1000 Ways to Die: http://assets.espn.go.com/media/motion/2009/1023/themag_WritersRoom2.jpg
  • - Deadliest Warrior: http://i39.tinypic.com/wwbte8.jpg
  • - Manswers: http://blog.lib.umn.edu/raim0007/RaeSpot/1_lil-kim-burqa.jpg
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