Danny Bonaduce – Danny Bonaduce
In 1970, a fictional family of musicians loaded up their poorly-painted bus and drove from the very abyss of human darkness and into America's heart. Then they were canceled four years later because we all questioned the logistics of the situation before turning on Welcome Back, Kotter.
Danny Bonaduce, the tiny child-like creature featured on the show, somehow managed to crawl out of the crater that was his failure years later by exploiting that failure for profit. He's chosen the career path of every other celebrity who a had a taste of the sandwich known as “fame” before promptly sitting on it- he's a reality star. And honestly, what could possibly be more real than getting smashed in the head with a trash can by Dustin Diamond on Celebrity Wrestling?
Danny Bonaduce presents Danny Bonaduce. Not only is that the worst possible photograph of a child to display to the entire record buying public, it also happens to be the very last thing you see before you die. If you're wondering how it sounds, open your ears and cover your heart because, to quote the Gandi, “reader beware, you're in for a scare!”
You know what's really sad? When someone takes a child who cannot sing, sends them into a recording studio, records them not singing, listens to it, realizes the horrific mistake they've made, contemplates suicide and makes amends by having someone else sing over them. Seriously, if there's a more efficient way to tear out a ten year old's heart, we haven't seen it.
Leonard Nimoy - The Way I Feel
After looking at it from every possible angle, there are only two possible explanations to explain the sales of musical recordings made by Leonard Nimoy:
People find songs about Star Trek funny. If true, this lasts for maybe ten, fifteen plays tops before they start listening to The Streak again. Or Star Trek fans actually enjoy his attempts break on through to the other side.
For whatever reason, Nimoy found a successful career in the world of music, using his Spock character and playing the “spaceman musician angle” years before David Bowie came along and sextified it by seventy percent or so.
For his third album, Nimoy decided to drop the spaceman routine and simply sing it from the heart. If the cover for the album, “How I Feel,” is any indication, his heart looks like the result of the Partridge Family Bus crashing into Yoko Ono's sketchbook.
Do you want to hear Leonard Nimoy sing folk songs? If you answered yes, stop lying. It's difficult to think that a record executive said this was a great idea and went to offer Nimoy the contract without shouting “Psych!” before pulling the contract away and slicking his hair back. Yet it really did happen, as evidenced by the musty record stacks at your local Goodwill/grandmother's house.
If you're still not convinced this album was an oversight of God, then enjoy Nimoy's explanation of what he would do should he ever posses a hammer, liar.
Alf – The Many Faces of Alf
Can a puppet be a celebrity? You tell me.
Puppets, much like actors made of flesh and bone, can become so popular that they become public icons. Others continue to climb beyond that, reaching into the very heavens themselves and claiming the very throne of God as their own. Enter Alf, some kind of bear-anteater-thing that consumes cats and hangs out in garages. Don't ask me to explain the popularity of Alf, let alone how it persists well into modern day. And please don't ask us to explain this:
The Many Faces of Alf presents facets of his personality you may not have known before. For example, did you know he was a rockstar? A chef? A baseball fan? No? Well you're in luck. It just so happens that someone had the foresight to upload all four songs to MySpace , as to prevent them from being forgotten to the ravages of time forever. If you ever find yourself questioning the state of popular music, just drop on by and be prepared to immediately feel foolish. Yeah, Creed might suck, but at least Scott Stapp has a heartbeat.
- - Hulk Hogan: Hulk Rules: http://www.i-mockery.com/bad-albums/hogan/hogan-cd.jpg
- - “Macho Man” Randy Savage – Be A Man : http://doodiepants.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/macho-man-randy-savage-rap-album1.jpg
- - Joe Pesci – Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You : http://images.uulyrics.com/cover/j/joe-pesci/album-vincent-laguardia-gambini-sings-just-for-you.jpg
- - Danny Bonaduce – Danny Bonaduce : http://www.glamorati.com/celebrity/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/danny-bonaduce-album.jpg
- - Leonard Nimoy- The Way I Feel : http://blogs.seattleweekly.com/dailyweekly/ziggy.jpg http://991.com/newgallery/Leonard-Nimoy-The-Way-I-Feel---458144.jpg
- - Alf – The Many Faces of Alf: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_xAFVB89g0L8/Siqv8PzKVxI/AAAAAAAABIk/KxFkn1MQaj8/s400/!BTPHgIwBWk~$%28KGrHgoH-DMEjlLluysEBKHYDLI4,Q~~_1.jpg http://www.framingthedialogue.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/kermit-the-frog.jpg