6 Bizarre Criminal Sentences

  • March 01, 2010
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4.

The Guy Who REALLY Couldn’t Get a Girlfriend

Of course, there are some judges who would have gone in the complete opposite direction and ordered that the dude from Ohio should stay away from his abused girlfriend. And then there’s this judge from Canada who didn’t think that keeping an abusive guy away from one girl was enough. No, he went all out and banned 24-year-old Steven Cranley from having a girlfriend for three years after he beat up his girlfriend following her dumping him.

get a girlfriend

Looks like Steven will be spending a lot of time with Blow Up Wanda from now on

But apparently there’s good reason for this ruling after all. It turns out that Cranley suffered from a dependent personality disorder and doctors thought it was highly likely he’d re-offend, so the judge decided it’d be in everyone’s best interest if Cranley just stayed the hell away from women until he got the proper psychiatric treatment. The bottom line is that I would just like to be a fly on the wall when this judge and the one from Ohio get together to drink Scotch and trade war stories. Especially when the Canadian judge whipped the Ohio judge’s ass for being such a moron.

5.

Rap Fan Would Rather Pay Fine than Listen to Beethoven

Okay, now what the hell is it with Ohio judges? I’m still scratching my head over the dude who ordered an abusive boyfriend to marry his victim. And remember the kid who tried to steal porn and had to wear the blindfold? Yeah, he was in Ohio too. And then there’s this guy, a judge from Urbana, Ohio who apparently doesn’t get these kids with that noise they call music, and wishes they’d just turn down the damn stereo already. Those damn whippersnappers.

listen to beethoven

Pimpin’ ain’t easy

Andrew Vactor was driving around in his car, blasting his rap music, and apparently some folks didn’t take too kindly. Anyway, Vactor was facing a $150 fine for violating a noise ordinance when the judge decided to shake things up a little bit and offered to reduce the fine by $35 if Vactor agreed to listen to 20 hours of classical music. Initially, Vactor accepted the deal but reportedly gave up after 15 minutes. Apparently he didn’t appreciate just how thug Mozart really was.

6.

Would You Make a Police Officer, Lettuce and Tomato Sandwich?

Pigs may be many things – bacon, ham, pork; just flat out delicious, really – but in case you were not aware, they are not police officers. Thank goodness, too, because they lack the dexterity to hold and fire a gun, let alone the aim to hit anything. We don’t even want to think about a pig behind the wheel of a squad car, either. That would just be ludicrous. But a judge in – you guessed it – Ohio just wanted to make sure we were all clear on just how not a police officer a pig actually is.

police officer

Seriously, they’re just so tasty

Oh, and did I mention that this was the same damn judge who sentenced the porn loving teen? Quick side note here, if ever there was a judge with the balls to actually sentence someone to be a butler, it’s this guy. Anyway, back in 2002 a 44-year-old man apparently flipped off some cops and referred to them as pigs. The man was offered a deal: three days in jail, or two hours on a street corner with a pig, holding a sign saying “This is Not a Police Officer.” He chose the latter. Then, I’d like to think, he ate the pig.

Seriously, they’re just so tasty. Written by Jeff Kelly – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - The Poor Kid Who Just Wanted a Little Porn: http://img.timeinc.net/time/quotes/2009/08/0811_adult_film.jpg
  • - The Tire Slashing, Sweater Knitting Granny: http://dwightjohnston.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/ugly-pig-sweater1.jpg
  • - “I Now Pronounce You Abuser and Victim”: http://store.puppeteers.org/images/gen_37_punch.jpg
  • - The Guy Who REALLY Couldn’t Get a Girlfriend: http://www.drinkstuff.com/productimg/21189_large.jpg
  • - Rap Fan Would Rather Pay Fine than Listen to Beethoven: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/54/Wolfgang-amadeus-mozart_1-revert.jpg
  • - Well You Wouldn’t Make a Police Officer, Lettuce and Tomato Sandwich, Would You?: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2645/3905304824_398e435097_o.jpg

Sources:

  • - The Poor Kid Who Just Wanted a Little Porn: http://www.newsnet5.com/news/3031293/detail.html
  • - The Tire Slashing, Sweater Knitting Granny: http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/odd/a131530/criminal-gran-gets-knitting-punishment.html
  • - “I Now Pronounce You Abuser and Victim”: http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1P2-843740.html
  • - The Guy Who REALLY Couldn’t Get a Girlfriend: http://www.wayodd.com/canadian-judge-bans-man-from-having-a-girlfriend-for-three-years/v/7484/
  • - Rap Fan Would Rather Pay Fine than Listen to Beethoven: http://www.groundreport.com/US/Rap-Music-Fan-Sentenced-to-Listen-to-Classical/2871076
  • - Well You Wouldn’t Make a Police Officer, Lettuce and Tomato Sandwich, Would You?: http://www.weathernet5.com/news/1223071/detail.html
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