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Ancient mythology is full of stories about Gods kicking some serious ass. Sure, none of the guys and gas you’ll find on this list may have managed to multiply fish and bread, or turn water into wine, but instead they made up for it in other much more badass ways. Gods like...
Tyr was one of the Norse Gods of War, a job whose description is remarkably similar to that of the Greek Gods of War except they don’t get a video game about them, don’t have olive wreathes in their hair, and actually do some war-ing. Tyr, for instance, was asked to help trap the son of the trickster God Loki, which sounds easy until you realise that his son was a vicious Wolf called Fenris. So, to help lure him into the trap that had been set, Tyr let Fenris eat his goddamn hand. Fortunately, it worked, and Tyr was soon paid the biggest workers comp package ever known.
Yes, it’s another Norse God. We don’t know why, it might be just a side-effect of us recently seeing The Avengers or something. Anyway, Odin was the leader of all the Norse Gods and, as a result, has the best stories. Well, there was the one time he was sitting around and decided to get psychic powers...which he exchanged without hesitation for his eye. You also must be thinking that only having one eye must a bitch to have in a battle but that’s cool because he also owns a spear called ‘Gungnir’ which is incapable of missing its target.
Yeah, we decided to move onto a different country before we started talking about Thor (he’s coming up!) and discuss another stone-cold badass. Stone-cold, like the ocean floor! Ok, so that joke was awful, but here’s Poseidon, the Greek god of the oceans. You might be asking ‘why’ by this point considering that the Greeks also had Gods for both orgies and getting drunk, but it’s simple reasoning: he owns a beard so goddamn manly, it’s capable of making every other God who looks at it suddenly come down with a severe case of erectile dysfunction (the ladies somehow start getting boners). Oh, and throw in Kraken wrestling, fucking and playing shenanigans on the Argonauts into the mix and you have your answer.
Aannnnd we’re back to the Norse Gods again. But, seriously, we’ve totally made it worth your trouble this time. Enter Freya, the Viking God of those three things which future archaeologists (or aliens, depending on if they invade first) will use to define humanity: sex, death, and war. Obviously, how this god adheres to her patronage of war is easy: the huge sword and armour are practically huge giveaways. Unless, that is, swords and armour are now used to symbolise something else. Those same swords and armour also cause death, so there’s that. Sex, however. That’s the tricky one. This is normally the part where we’d point out that she looks like a totally hot smoking babe, but we’re not going to because she looks like she could easily castrate with one flutter of her luscious beautiful eyebrows- arghhhh!
Out of all the Gods that have and will feature on this list, Kali is possibly the biggest dick of them all. But, still, she’s such a badass about it. Despite looking like an extra from James Cameron’s Avatar, she is the God of time and change, which actually makes her sound like a more holistic, chilled out version of The Doctor than anything. But don’t be fooled by the job title: she has no problem with straight-up killing a bitch. That necklace she’s wearing around her neck is made of goddamn severed human heads after all, and she’s doing some kind of ‘mod enforcer’ act on the unfortunate bastard in the above picture. You just know that after this scene, she tied him to a chair, cut his ear off, and started a recording of Stuck in the Middle.
First of all, to those people that are complaining about us using an image of Thor, the Marvel comics depiction, for this piece, we only have one message: shut up. No-one cares. Now, onto the good stuff. If you’ve ever seen any of the aforementioned movies/comics, you’ll know that Thor is undoubtedly one of the biggest badasses on this list. First of all, his primary weapon isn’t a sword or a shield or anything girly like lightning: it’s a goddamn hammer. And believe us; he’s used it in enough Viking lore to prove that he knows how to wield the damn thing: after all, he did manage to hold back the forces of evil trying to bring around Ragnarok (or, as we may know it, freaking Armageddon) including the ancient sea serpent demon Jörmungandr.
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