5 Wrestlers Who Are Better Off When They're Jerks

  • July 19, 2010
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4.

CM Punk

CM Punk is straightedge. That means he doesn’t drink, do drugs, or smoke anything. If you don’t believe us, just ask him. He’ll tell you again and again and again and again and again…

…and again. He’s extremely proud of his ability to pass on any foreign substance, from the hardcore stuff like heroin and crack, all the way down to pissy wimp wine coolers. This pride has brought him great success, as long as he’s a dick about it.

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Alcohol abuse

CM Punk’s character only truly works when he’s shoving his beliefs in your face, damning anybody who’s even had one glass of wine one time, and trying to convert people into accepting his path as the only way to live. When he mellows out and turns nice, he’s largely nothing. Basically, he’s a dude with tattoos who’d be extremely boring to hang out with at the local pub. Unless he starts randomly kicking people for no good reason. He’s good at that, and there’s nothing in the straightedge credo prohibiting you from throwing people in the air and kicking them on the way down.

When Punk channels his inner jerk, however, magical things happen. His self-righteous anti-drug sermons gather massive crowd reactions, and even when he’s not holding the World Title or main-eventing, his part in the show tends to rank among the most attention-grabbing. He leads his own group of bald-headed cult followers who blindly follow his every word in lock-step, not even considering that they’re following a guy who had to be forced to shave his own head and, when it happened, donned a mask so nobody could see that he now looked just like a homeless drug addict. Isn’t that ironic? Don’t ya think?

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5.

Chris Jericho

Over his twenty-plus years as a professional wrestler, Chris Jericho has been everything to everyone. Good guy, bad guy, comical buffoon, angry jerk, cool kid; you name it, and he’s probably done it. But, like everyone else on this list, his career highs came when he hated us, and his career lows came when he loved us.

chris

Here, he hates us. Note the giant gold belt.

In the late-90s, Chris Jericho was a good-looking, happy-go-lucky kid who entered the WCW arenas by running up to the guardrails so everybody could hug him. Pretty wimpy, but it should’ve clued us all in to Jericho’s inner jerk. Why do we have to hug him? Maybe we wanted a hug every now and then. Did you ever think of that, Chris? You jerk.

Well, hug-happy Chris went nowhere, until he started throwing temper tantrums and yelling that every loss was a conspiracy against him. He became a billion times more arrogant, sought obscure loopholes in fictional rulebooks so losses would be overturned into wins, and became popular enough that he could jump to the WWE/F/G/H/I/J/K/L/M/N/O/P and garner an immediate main-event role.

chris01

It could be that we cheered him because he might have been Jesus.

However, while he never completely flopped (due to being quite charismatic even when a good guy), Jericho remained largely static as a joke-telling good guy, picking up minor titles and occasionally kissing the main event scene on the lips. It wasn’t until he dropped the jokes and got angry and focused that he won his first World Title and headlined a WrestleMania. Remember this pattern; it’s important in about ten lines or so.

Over the next several years, he largely reverted back to his role of jokey good guy and—SHOCK—went right back to minor titles and being kind of popular, but largely irrelevant. So he dropped the jokes for good, started wearing three-piece suits exclusively, and turned into the ultimate jerk: a super-serious blowhard who is smarter than you, knows it, and takes great pleasure in rubbing this fact in your face. He has since won several World Titles, headlined another WrestleMania, and is regarded by many to be among the best wrestlers in the world right now.

So in short, being nice gets you nowhere, being a prick gets you everywhere. Told you that pattern was important.

Got something to add? Let us know what you're cooking in the comments below! Written by Jason Iannone – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - Santino Marella : http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3042/2762882228_dee0b0697b.jpg?v=0 http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_l5i4Wr-71sk/SKlL_0L2Q8I/AAAAAAAAAO4/lXs7-PAhIYk/S300/Santino.jpg
  • - John Morrison : http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v110/RogueDDT/thebrothersmorrison.jpg http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/extramustard/tale.images/Mike-Mizanin-tale.jpg
  • - Doink The Clown: http://cdnet.myxer.com/tn/c/1031652/big/?t=20081110205251 http://www.onlineworldofwrestling.com/pictures/d/doink/08.jpg
  • - CM Punk: http://fast1.onesite.com/fans.wwe.com/user/mymusicrox/2f0821e8c9be7275923e8b5601f69792.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v110/RogueDDT/baldpunk.jpg
  • - Chris Jericho: http://www.listze.com/uploads/item-2615.jpg http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20071122182218/uncyclopedia/images/f/f6/Jericho.jpg
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