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Since man first learned to mark his body, mankind has taken place in contest to find the most bitchin' tattoo possible and scar themselves with it for the rest of us to see and envy. Others, however, seem to have gotten lost along the way. They've hunted high and low and, finding nothing, have settled for absolutely anything without realizing that they're settling for crap. As a service to you, the dear WeirdWorm reader, here's a crash course on tattoos you should avoid if you enjoy living a life unburdened by shame.
Video Game Tattoos
Some of us like video games. Some of us like them a little too much.
You may not know this yet, you hip 20-to-30 something, tech savvy target demographic, but there will (hopefully) come a time in your life when you stop caring for video games as much as you do and you (hopefully) learn to be a productive member of society. Knowing this, why would you choose to show your fondness for Duck Hunt by searing your flesh with its visage?
Here's a prime example of a terrible idea that can only get worse. The subject in this case has given people a reason to punch them in the throat and an awesome catchphrase to shout while they do so. Maybe that was his intention, and I'd think that were brilliant if I weren't so busy trying to Google this guy's address for the previously mentioned throat-punching.
For our second example, a young lady has chosen to cover her body with, among many other things, a Pac-Man board. And while some people may no doubt find that appealing (hey man, that's just your scene), what she doesn't realize is that once she reaches middle age, the cruel specter of time will make this look like a melting Pollock painting (which, I imagine, is a unique and messy fetish on its own). Still, it's good to see that someone willing to tattoo themselves with something that will most likely stop being relevant during their lifetime has the foresight to hide their nipples from when taking photographs of the mistake they made. That's just classy.
Finally, it was probably this woman's intention to gain attention to grab as much attention as possible when she had this done. It probably wasn't her intention to give all the creepy, bearded guys crawling her Wal-Mart's electronics center something to think about while the lie in bed every night for the rest of their lives.
The human being is a fairly complicated thing to reproduce with art. There are entire schools devoted to teaching the craft, compounding centuries of studies into a few years of nude models and awkward erections. It's a bit foolish (and dangerous) to expect a gentleman with a burning needle to be able to give you satisfactory results, but dammit, people dare to live the dream.
I'm actually pretty hesitant to make fun of this, given that the memorial text above it. But every time they look at that tattoo, they're going to remember that poor woman as what would appear to be an angry burn-victim zombie. That's just sad.
On the “it's okay to make fun of” side of things, here's what happens when 90s alternative rock meets terrible decisions:
That's Adam Duritz, the frontman for Counting Crows. Or rather, that's Adam Duritz, the frontman for Counting Crows and five time Omaha Bageldog Eating champion. I'm willing to bet it takes quite a few lies to explain why there's a fat man on your back and why his scalp is being devoured by a spider.
Tattoos on Faces
Since we're talking about faces, let's chat about yours, faceless internet.
The face is a vital part of the human form because it allows us to identify one another without having to shout one's name or otherwise put any effort into actively seeking someone out. It's also something that the rest of us get to look at (unless you're a career criminal, in which case your work uniform requires you to wear a ski mask, or if “the rest of us” consists of Ray Charles, which would be odd because he's supposed to be blind and also dead).
I know it's impossible to tell someone's intentions in getting a specific tattoo, but this is the exception to the rule. This guy either a) wanted to pay an eternal tribute to the great gentleman's game chess, or b) ensure that he could never, ever be employed again with any job that requires an interview or
Now I'm not what you would call a sports fan, but I do know that the Raiders play the good version of football. I also know that it's common for sports fans to paint their faces in support of their team. So, by getting his face forever scarred in favor of these “Raiders,” this guy is like the Christ figure of sports fans. Sadly, the Raiders haven't won a Superbowl since 1983, so clearly the enthusiasm his face is expressing isn't enough.
Full Body Tattoos
Full body tattoos are an interesting concept. They cost thousands of dollars and, if you're a member of decent society, most people won't be able to them because members of decent society enjoy wearing clothes. Still, if you're going to go, you might as well go big.
That's Tom Leppard and I'm not about to make fun of a man who has taken several steps towards actually becoming a jungle cat. Seriously, if you saw this coming towards you on the street, would your first reaction be to laugh? Maybe, but it'll be the last time you laugh before he summons the leap to maul you like a gazelle. Moving on.
Here we go. In this image, Ernest Hemingway puts on about three-hundred pounds and also loses his pants. You can tell he didn't really think this through because he's never going to get to show this thing off in public, unless of course he walks around without a shirt, in which case you can't finish reading this article because the mere suggestion of such a thing has driven you blind.
Portraying Some Sort of Persona
Some people go through great lengths to present themselves as someone else. I don't mean that in the usual “serial killer who turns fat ladies into house coats” sort of way, but rather they create a secondary persona to hide their primary, often sucky personality. There's nothing wrong with that. Hell, lots of people do it: professional wrestlers, super heroes, super villains and G.I. Joes all create a facade to make themselves seem much more interesting.
Mr. Cool ICE (emphasis his) takes the persona thing to an entirely different level so high above anyone else that I'm pretty sure he's the only one occupying it. Let's try to analyze everything this tattoo tries to say:
Mr. Cool ICE - “I'm a bad ass of such an extreme nature that my coldness can only be described with polite mannerisms and capital letters.” Skull with cool shades - “I'm dark, yet relaxed, like if Charlie Manson were a lounge musician.” Of course, something this perplexing would carry over to the back:
More skulls with skull with cool shades: “I'm dark, yet relaxed, and feel compelled to inform everyone this regardless of where they are standing in relation to me.”
Shades on the back of head – Actually, can I get some conformation that that's supposed to be a pair of shades? Because it kind of looks like a bow tie. Uh, “I also enjoy formal dress,” I suppose?
Written by Ben Dennison – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com
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