Magazines and columnists on websites chuck out relationship advice that is supposedly guaranteed to get you a female. The things they recommend might have worked 20 years ago. But nowadays you’ll find pretty much everything a teenager is told to do doesn’t work. Ignore everything you have been told so far and read on.

(However you should probably not forget the how to breathe and not sh** yourself 101 you went to all those years ago.)

Teenagers probably write a poem or a song more than anything else in attempt of winning over a lady. Sprouting anything from a simple paragraph (‘I can’t go on without you’ or a variation of this is the most unoriginal thing ever said) to a 3000 word essay which as likely to work as carving her name in your penis using a razor blade. Written words don’t work if you’re not already in a relationship. And even when you are, it merely bumps up your status. It will never forward a relationship with her, or even start one, especially if she is blind. Then she can’t see it.

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How to avoid this:

Don’t bother at all. If she’s the type of girl who likes that sort of thing (which is unlikely) you will need to become friends with her first, and find out if she likes you as well. Then once you know she likes you, ask her out. If you start dating, you could then try to write something for her. But don’t bother unless you’re already in a relationship. If she’s the right girl, this can do wonders for your relationship, and can increase the chances of getting laid. Which is always a plus, right guys?

Summary: Wait till you’re already in a relationship and you will know if she likes this sort of stuff, before you give her any writing you dedicated to her. It’s not a bad idea to write some stuff you can recycle with more than one girl, just don’t be too specific. I think that she would be a bit unhappy if you said ‘I love to caress your long, soft, blonde hair’ if she was bald. I can’t say you’ll come across many bald women. But you get what I mean.

No matter where you go, an ‘expert’ will always include this tip as an advice.

Having confidence doesn’t matter at all. Let assume you do have enough confidence to go up to a stranger and talk to her out of the blue. On the rare occasion she doesn’t try to blank you and laugh at you or talk behind your back to her friends when you go away, if you’re with a group of friends, she’ll probably feel threatened by being surrounded, and if you’re by yourself she’ll think you’re a loner and will not want to talk to you.

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How to avoid this:

Unless you’ve stumbled upon a complete stranger, in which case you’ve pretty much got no chance no matter what you do, it’s likely one of your friends knows her or one of her friends. Therefore you should ask around, and find one of your friends who knows the girl or the girls’ friends, and go with them to hang around with the girl you like. This way you can become friends with her friends, and will have a much warmer relationship with her before you try to win her over. And she’s less likely to make you look like an idiot in front of everyone else.

Summary: Don’t ask her out the first time you see her. Become friends with her friends, and/or become friends with her before you ask her out on a date and then she will know you’re an ok guy, not a weird stalker. Then you will have a better shot with her. You could end up finding out she’s not the girl for you, so you won’t spend a couple of useless years running after her, only to find out that she’s not interested.

I’m not talking about the tambourine, or the triangle. Ones that take skill. The guitar is the most common one, unlike most instruments, it doesn’t sound too bad.

This is supposed to show that a guy is creative, and is committed to something. However, she probably won’t pay attention. Unless the answer to ‘what do you like to do in your spare time’ is ‘masturbate all day’ what you do won’t matter that much. Think about it. You’re not with her 24/7, so as long as you’re not a completely useless being, you don’t need to be the most interesting man in the world. Look at any talented melodic death metal band, or any bluegrass guitarist. Both types of play need incredible skill, and years of dedication, but do you see anyone in either category beating women off with a stick, probably not.

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How to avoid this:

Just do fun things when you’re with her. All you need to do is sound interesting. Make stuff up about your life, if you have to. As long as it’s not something you’d have to show her you can do (so don’t tell her you’re an artist or something like that) you’re good to go. As long as she has fun when she’s with you (bring a friend with you if you have to, just to help boost up the conversation) it doesn’t matter how creative you are.

Summary: Don’t bother if you’re doing it just to attract girls. If you’re doing it because you want to, then by all means go for it.

If you can do what she’s doing, you’ll both be able to connect quickly and soon she will be moving the sewing equipment aside (This is what girls like to do, right?) and will take more interest in you.

Not quite.

Think about something you are really good at. Take video games as an example.

Now imagine all the times when someone (probably your dad) has tried to play along with you. And imagine all the times you’ve told him ‘no dad, for haven’s sake, it’s the green one to get behind cover. Annoying, isn’t it? When a complete novice, who doesn’t care at all about finishing the level, joins in and gets you killed. This is what it would be like if you tried to join in with her sewing. She’d be spending all her time telling you what to do whilst avoiding punching you in the face because she’s getting annoyed at your lack of enthusiasm or skill.

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How to avoid this:

You’re both best off doing something together from scratch. Married couples tend to take up pottery so they can suppress the lack of sex by moulding penises out of the clay, and chuckle to themselves. But you’re not married. However you are also not getting any sex. So do something that you’ve both never done together. Or if you’ve just started something, invite her to do it, and vice versa.

Summary: Do something you both have the same interest in and skill level at.

Writing songs or poetry does come into this, but there are also a million and one thing you can do that are ‘romantic’, but you may be surprised to know that most of them don’t work. Some may even have the opposite effect.

Unfortunately, the majority of teenage girls in modern society only like as**oles. And if you’re not an asshole, you’re probably out of luck no matter what you try.

Think about which guys you know are getting all the girls at your school or college.

It’s unlikely you’re friends with any of them. They’re nearly always ignorant, arrogant, cocky, and stupid. Yet they all lost their virginity when they were 13 and have had a girl on the end of their arm ever since. Why? Because they look attractive, that’s why.

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What are you talking about?

Looks are everything. No matter how many times you are told ‘you shouldn’t care about looks, it’s what’s inside that counts’ it will never be true. It used to be somewhat true but not anymore. The first thing a girl will ever notice about you is how you look.

I spent the last two years of my life chasing a girl I thought I had a chance with. I tried every trick in the book; the romantic, the hard to get, the asshole, the quiet guy, but nothing worked, nor did anything get me an inch closer to her. Why? She just didn’t like me in that way. I.e. I wasn’t attractive in her eyes. On the opposite side of things, the only reason another girl still likes me is because of how I look. I tried the asshole tactic on her, and it worked, but only because it went in partnership with my appearance. I’ve now changed my ways to being a nice guy, and she still likes me. So it doesn’t matter what you do. If you’re not attractive in the eyes of the girl you want, you can just forget it.

As for getting into a relationship with someone who likes you, not just sex/flirting/groping/other thing relating to physical contact with the opposite sex, it all falls down to what subculture/stereotype you fit into. For example, it’s pretty much certain that a Goth girl will not even be remotely interested in you unless you are also a Goth. A chav of the female variety wouldn’t be interested in someone with an IQ of above 50, or an interest in doing anything other than laughing at the ‘nerds’ who invented their mobile phones and the alcohol they drink. I should know, I used to date one a few years back. And when I stopped being a d**k and started making something of my life, she pretty much stopped every contact.

So look at what stereotype you fit into, (if you’re thinking ‘I don’t fit into one’, you’re most likely just unpopular that is also a stereotype. If you’re good looking, this is probably the best stereotype to be in, because you don’t have to keep up your appearance in the same way the ladies have to keep up their appearance by looking slutty, and if you do something that would otherwise cause you to loose all your friends and become the laughing stock of the school, most people won’t give a s**t because they didn’t know you in the first place.) And do what the guys who are getting girls are doing. If you’re after an emo chick, wear clothing associated with this stereotype and get your hair fixed into an emo fringe. Your natural bone structure and skin complexion is very important, but the clothes and hairstyle that complete your appearance are what will make her have an interest in you.

Summary: Find the stereotype the sort of girl you like fits into, and join that stereotype.

There’s no such thing as ‘being yourself’. Remember that kid at the back of the class who would always smell really bad and not have any friends? He didn’t care what anyone else thought. He was being himself. If you want to survive in the dating world until you’re an adult, you’d better be ready to become what you had no interest in becoming otherwise. If you can’t beat them, join them.

Written by Nicky Howell – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com