5 Things They Never Told You About the Samurai

There comes a time in every kid’s life when he starts wishing he was a brave warrior in ancient Japan cutting down hordes of treacherous ninjas like jonesing crack addicts cut random pedestrians for drug money. In many cases, the dream of becoming a samurai forever remains a fantasy, but considering all the stuff they never told you about these oriental warriors, it might have been for the best. You see…

5.
The Samurai Were Rampaging Pedophiles

It’s nice to imagine that after a hard day’s work of slashing worthless enemies and being honorable, a typical samurai would retire to his room to meditate on the nature of life and death while sharpening his sword in preparation for tomorrow’s murder filled activities. In reality however, most of them relaxed atop a pasty 12 year old boy clenching his teeth and hoping the “master” will be “done” with him soon.

rampaging pedophiles01

This type or relationship, akin to the Greek pederasty, was known as Shudō (meaning “The Way of the Young”) in medieval Japan all the way up to the 19th century. It was an officially and widely encouraged form of apprenticeship between an experienced samurai and a young boy, established to form strong, basically lover-like bonds between two warriors.

rampaging pedophiles02

Back then it was believed that sexual relations with women weakened the mind and body, but that there was nothing better for one’s battle spirit than having rough bum sex with other men… until your young partner became a full pledged warrior (i.e. an adult). That was when the butt-love stopped because it was no longer considered appropriate.

rampaging pedophiles03

Hey, who knew that NAMBLA was founded on the principles of the samurai code?

4.
The Samurai Were About As Faithful As a Lonely Housewife

We’ve all heard how it supposedly was with the samurai: they would sooner perform impromptu bowel surgery on themselves before bringing shame to their master by surrendering to the enemy. Unfortunately, real life very rarely was that dramatic. While you certainly can find examples of such deeply troubled individuals in the annals of Japanese history, the majority of samurai tended to change allegiances (that is “masters”) more often than most of us change our underwear.

pizza delivery01

During the Sengoku period of Japan—literally “Country at War”—dozens of small time warlords literarily tore up the countryside fighting each other, trying to gain control over the archipelago. If every guy in their ranks killed himself the minute their side lost, the entire samurai population of Japan would have been reduced to nothing more than a handful of schmucks who were out sick the day this s?*t was going down.

samurai02

Coming over to the strongest guy’s camp was a pretty standard thing to do in feudal Japan, and it definitely wasn’t in bad taste to bring your former employer’s head as a present for the new boss.

3.
At One Point, the Samurai Simply Quit Their Jobs

Everyone who has seen “The Last Samurai” usually comes to the logical conclusion it was the cold uncircumcised sting of technology and “modernity” that killed off this proud class of Asian warriors. Because, hey, it wasn’t like almost all of the samurai have given up on warrioring decades before the West came knocking on Japan’s door, right? Right?

samurai quit their jobs01

Yeah, about that… when the Sengoku period of Japan ended and Tokugawa Ieyasu became the undisputed ruler of a new unified country, there came an era of peace… aka the warrior’s worst enemy. With no domestic enemies to speak of and the country completely cutting itself off from the rest of the world, the samurai found themselves hungry and without work. It was the era of the masterless samurai, the Ronin, traveling the Land of the Rising Sun with a sign that read “Will be a noble fighter for food”.

samurai quit their jobs02

There did remain a very small fraction of samurai clans but only those who were smart enough to rent themselves out as body guards to lesser royalty or wealthier guilds. The rest simply sold off their swords (the very thing they used to call their “souls”) and became either merchants or farmers. Speaking of which…

samurai quit their jobs03


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Comments

  • Alex
  • Justin

    this list is full of fails….no offense.
    like alex said, bushido does exist…..which make you a dumbass

  • NoGuff

    Whoever wrote this is an ignorant and whoever believes it is an idiot. Lying communist devils.

    • Billsainbileg

      I am a communist you motherfucking little whores cunt.Your mother was a prostitute and you are her little son and helper for the 40 year old gay virgin asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Krumvit

    With or without offense.
    Whoever who wrote this is a normal person with normal real life and whoever who don’t like it is a weaboo or wapanese. Idiot wapanese weaboo.

  • Atros

    WTF >-< I dont know what its your issues or if you dont like Japan, and i dont care, but if you are going to do a article you a) back it up with sources and b) Actually do historical acuracy research, a simple wikipedia or a travel to the nearest library would had got you a copy of the Bushido. If you expect to be took seriouslly then work seriouslly

  • JapanUS

    Great insight.
    Looks like Japan’s lies are being uncovered one by one.

    • sukotto yuziki

      THIS IS NOT TRUE YOU DUMBASS FUCKER, THIS STUPID SHIT HAS NO PROOF BEHIND IT YOU THICK SCULLED FAGGOT, MY FAMILY COME FROM SAMURAI!!!!!!

  • bobo

    People, please don’t believe anything you read on the internet. Any asshat can post whatever they want and call it fact.

  • Brucerhee1127

    puahaha look at all the angry people who take offense to a glimpse of truth. every nation’s account of their own history is filled with nationalist propaganda intended to make themselves out to look their best. japan is no different…in fact, japan may have taken this to an artform. japanese history books are filled with mythical fables and tall tales that have long been debunked or disproven, and yet these findings continue to go unnoticed, denied, or ignored. the one fact that really sets a japanese nationalist off on a rampage is when you mention the fact that the roots of the lineage of the original japanese imperial government can be traced to korea. this is indisputable fact, and yet it is not even mentioned in japanese history books.

  • Katana

    This article is not accurate or informative at all.There is a code of Bushido,and it is more than a chivarlious idea.You need to do some real research before writing an article on something you have no idea about.And using Wickipedia as your only source is not very intelligent.As a student of Bushido,I take offense at your article,and your ignorance.

  • adamJ

    Really, I wont there to say this is fake or true but as far as I know, wikipedia can be edited by any tom, dick and harry. Furthermore, wikipedia doesn’t provide the most reliable result. Right now I’ll stick to the fact that bushido code does exist as even history channel has talked about it before. So if its a lie, tell that to the guys that made the show. About the pedo stuff, it sounds weird but possible.

  • adamJ

    Sorry, typo. I wont “dare”

  • Superia

    This is all completely fabricated garbage. The samurai may not have lived their lives in fastidious adherence to the bushido code, and no, they don’t sh!t gold, but whoever wrote this obviously read nothing at all on the history of Japan – not even the back of a Pokemon card.

    With the start of the Tokugawa period “the samurai simply quit their jobs?” Then who was running the country, you f*cktard? They didn’t just quit or become bodyguards, they became politicians. Read a history book for a change, for christ’s sake.

    The samurai farmed their land with “their own two hands?” Oh yeah, just like all those fake European feudal knights. I mean, who needs peasants? They just sit around and watch while their masters, the guys with swords, go out and plow the fields. Man, feudal life for a warrior was tough.

    “There was no such thing as a Bushido code?” This is the closest you get to any grain of truth in this article. The Bushido code was much like the European code of chivalry. It was a cultural ideal that many warriors chose to follow or ignore, according to their own whim. The Bushido code, however, was, in fact, written down. In the 1700s. It was called Hagakure. Look it up. For once.

    “Coming over to the strongest guy’s camp was pretty standard?” Provide ONE example. And, I’m sorry, but “out of my @ss” is not a credible source.

    “The samurai were rampaging pedophiles?” WTF?!?

    Dude, you are about as knowledgeable about Japan as James Clavell.

    Do us all a favor and provide us with a single reference to back up any of the ridiculous claims made here. And then go home and commit seppuku.

    • Rickard_the_apple

      “Provide ONE example. And, I’m sorry, but “out of my @ss” is not a credible source.”

      Kobayakawa betraying the western forces at Sekigahara. Sealed the fate of the perhaps most important battle of the Sengoku Era. 

       ”The samurai were rampaging pedophiles?” WTF?!?

      Read up on Shudo, dude. Pederasty is a common part of medieval lifestyles, and was even more common part of older days(such as old Greece and Sparta).

      Or is it the rampaging you complain about? Samurai, and especially Daimyou had what today would be minors as lovers/servants with benefits. 

      Nobunaga had four Shudos, among them the later great warlord Maeda Toshiie. 
      Akechi Mitsuhide had Akechi Hidemitsu. 

  • Superia

    This is all completely fabricated garbage. The samurai may not have lived their lives in fastidious adherence to the bushido code, and no, they don’t sh!t gold, but whoever wrote this obviously read nothing at all on the history of Japan – not even the back of a Pokemon card.

    With the start of the Tokugawa period “the samurai simply quit their jobs?” Then who was running the country, you f*cktard? They didn’t just quit or become bodyguards, they became politicians. Read a history book for a change, for christ’s sake.

    The samurai farmed their land with “their own two hands?” Oh yeah, just like all those fake European feudal knights. I mean, who needs peasants? They just sit around and watch while their masters, the guys with swords, go out and plow the fields. Man, feudal life for a warrior was tough.

    “There was no such thing as a Bushido code?” This is the closest you get to any grain of truth in this article. The Bushido code was much like the European code of chivalry. It was a cultural ideal that many warriors chose to follow or ignore, according to their own whim. The Bushido code, however, was, in fact, written down. In the 1700s. It was called Hagakure. Look it up. For once.

    “Coming over to the strongest guy’s camp was pretty standard?” Provide ONE example. And, I’m sorry, but “out of my @ss” is not a credible source.

    “The samurai were rampaging pedophiles?” WTF?!?

    Dude, you are about as knowledgeable about Japan as James Clavell.

    Do us all a favor and provide us with a single reference to back up any of the ridiculous claims made here. And then go home and commit seppuku.

  • Anony

    As is often the case, you have to take wikipedia, this article, Hollywood, and all the posters involved with a grain of salt. More often than not, the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle, not on one end of the arguments.

    Example:
    The pedophile issue.
    Were they “rampaging”? Highly unlikely.
    Was it happening? Probably.
    Will we ever hear about it in a movie? Probably not.

  • Benzatien

    Thank you for writing this post. As someone who has learned a lot about feudal Japanese life I find this article very accurate and informative. Just as there was no legally codified guideline for how to use honorifics, or how to bow; many aspects of Japanese society were perpetuated through social pressure. This is also how the Bushido code worked. You follow the ‘rules’ of your social caste or be punished by society / other members of your caste. Therefore, if you are a mean dishonorable SOB there wasn’t really anything holding you back except a sense of honor and shame. That doesn’t stop mean dishonorable SOB’s now, and chances are it didn’t then. Especially since you’re the guy who can legally carry a sword.

    For all of you that refuse to believe the points made by the poster should visit the local library and read some books. I suggest the Tale of Genji by Murasaki Shikibu and other books on Japanese culture, especially about the concept of a Shame/Honor society and feudal Japan.

  • Berbs

    OK, sorry to say, but this article is pretty stupid.

    Yes, as others have said before, these aspects of historical culture within Japan existed. That does not, however, mean that’s all that ever happened. Somehow I get the feeling the author spent 15 minutes with Google and figured he had enough information to declare what he read as definitive fact.

    Also, before people say it, I am by no means a weeaboo – I hate them as much as anyone else. Seriously. To say I am is like saying someone who studies the history of Germany is a Neo-Nazi.

    But, really, the article itself is pretty unbelievable.
    Here’s why:

    To claim that shudo was a universal interest for all Samurai is simply untrue. It happened, yes, but it’s not like every guy with a sword roamed around Japan looking for teenage boys. The relationships (if you could call them that) were brief, and for the most part positive…weird wording, I know, but the “rampaging pedophiles” comment is pretty inflammatory. Not to mention misinformed.

    Yes, backstabbing happened. Yes, betrayals were not uncommon. But seppuku was actually a common end for politically and socially influential figures…for example, if a shogun or daimyo was angered/disappointed in the botched results of a battle, he’d send an order for the general to commit seppuku then & there. It was essentially a “F*** you, you’re fired.” notice. Especially commonplace during the warring-states period.

    The Samurai were not farmers. At all.
    Read up on the social class-divisions during the Edo period (the same time all the pedophile samurai supposedly “quit their jobs”), and you’d find the samurai were still the top class, socially. Next came the farmers, who were second-most important simply for the fact they worked all day so everyone else could have a bowl of rice with dinner. Another user compared that to saying medieval knights spent all day pulling turnips – of course, it’s possible there were samurai who grew their own food, but to call them “farmers” is just false. Yet again.

    Last thing I had a gripe with was the statement how after the Sengoku Period everyone supposedly sold their swords (which they would never do so long as they had a master or any grain of self-respect) and sat around writing poetry and being jerks. Again, not true at all. They may not have been killing each other for years at a time, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t small conflicts. Even if there were no battles, the samurai still trained and learned the ideals they’d been learning for a thousand years.

    So, while I can see the point of the article is to inform readers of things they may not have known before, the inflammatory statements and wording of its blatantly inaccurate facts is a bit overpowering.

  • Ppp

    Thing is that’s what happens when you put western social decadence onto eastern ‘honor” systems. even though the idea of honor and chivalry really never existed in the west, at least in china, it did, and that carried over to korea and japan. rarely do you find a code of honor that’s written as stated law, but the fear of losing face forces people to act accordingly. i’m not going to say it’s 100% but really what is? the idea is that honorable warriors would also kick the a$$ of a$$holes and society is better for it.

    that all died out with imperialism, lol. then it was all about money and not being conquered by having more money to buy more guns to conquer other people before they get the chance and conquering gets you the money etc etc cycle back.

    that’s also not to say nobody stabbed anyone in the back or that everybody only talked about harakiri, but it did happen. Of course that’s not just honor, that’s also what would happen if you didn’t “honor” yourself. what do you think would happen to a traitor or a failure if he was found out? Harakiri doesn’t sound too bad when the alternative is being spat on by everyone you know while you’re tied down, whipped hundreds of times, shackled, then left to starve somewhere in a sewer. though I think japan just cut your head off and put it on public display as a jacka$$. AND murdered your entire family.

  • Yuuki48

    1) This article does have certain ammount of true fact (Shudo, No written code etc)
    2) I doubt author of an article has deep knowledge of the matter. So basically it’s just journal style article aiming to surprise readers who has absolutely no knowledge on the matter. It has a lot inaccuracies as well as overstatements. Not to say much, gonna just point out 1 of them – “The Samurai Were About As Faithful As a Lonely Housewife”. If we look records of japanese history, we can see many stories of famous samurai betraying their masters such as Akechi Mitsuhide betraying Oda Nobunaga, and many other. However, author doesn’t tell us that 99% of it were high-class samurai betraying each other, basically daimyou. If we talk about daimyou, or generals, yes they did change loyalties quickly. But if we talk about lower-rank samurai, they never betray their Daimyou. That was absolutely unheard of.
    Okay, another one. Samurai never worked as farmers… I don;t know where author took this information. But even lowest of samurai didn’t work as farmer. If they became farmers they were no longer samurai. That’s connected with warrior traditions. Samurai considered impossible for someone who was born in warrior house to be a farmer, or merchant.

    I feel this article has a bad tendency to look at samurai and asian whole culture from the western point of view. These days, a lot of young western “historians” are trying to force their point of view. They say : “If it’s hard to believe for us westerners it can’t exist at all. So Japanese are creating myth. Let’s tell everyone about it.” If you think this tendency is new, it’s not true. The tendency started from Sir Basil Hall Chamberlain, who wrote many such things about Japan. But one of the reasons for Chamberlen to do that was frustration because of not getting high payment for his work, so it is at least not so objective.

    Samurai culture is reflected in Japanese traditional values. No matter how strange it might appear to westerners, it’s still part of Japanese national identity, not a myth nor government propaganda.

    Last thing i want to point out, some persons seem to say Japan Imperial Family’s origin can be traced to Korea. They even called this indisputable fact. But as far as I know it’s not a fact but only a hypothesis of some kinship between Korea Royal Family and Japanese Royal Family, which is based on ambigious reading of one phrase in 日本書紀 (Nihon Shoki) concerning Korean prince going to Japan. Scientific hypothesis can’t be included in a textbokk until it’s proven right.

    Sorry for a very long post, at least i hope it might be interesting for some people.

  • Hendour4528

    I like how the author stopped at the Tokugawa era. “Because all the Samurai were homeless after that” Dumbass. After the Tokugawa era there was the Bakumatsu. Which, was a war. Of Probably the most honorable samurai in existence. Even one of the greatest samurai kept his honor till death (when his own people, who weren’t samurai, executed him) You are an idiot. I have a major in Japanese history and culture. And SOME of the stuff you said is somewhat true. but not completely. 

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