We hate rats; we don’t really know why, but we do, and if you’ve seen Quentin Tarantino’s latest masterpiece, you probably feel horrible about it. But we digress. Rats are probably the last thing you would ever want to see in an urban area, much less your house, MUCH LESS your bathroom. But the fact remains that they find it very easy to access your house via your toilet. Rats are basically the acrobats of the animal world (excluding monkeys), and they pride themselves on being excellent swimmers. If your toilet is on the ground floor or in the basement, it’s quite simple for one of them to crawl along the pipes from the sewer, swim through your toilet piping, and emerge inside your bathroom none the worse for wear – there have even been a couple movies with the concept in it.
Even if your toilet’s on higher levels, they have little trouble climbing up piping found outside the buildings, and they can get through the smallest of cracks in your piping. There is nothing you can do to stop them. Flee while you can.
Snakes on a plane? Big deal. At least you have Samuel L. Jackson on your side if you’re in that situation. But on “the john,” you’re all alone. To make matters infinitely worse, that nasty sucker is coming from the only place in the room that you can’t see. Many snakes like to make their home in the plumbing of houses and apartment buildings, apparently finding their way in through the sewers. If this is the case though, such toilet snakes would only be small water snakes, which are not venomous; the only thing that would be awaiting the user of the porcelain throne would be extreme fright, and not anything life threatening, right? Wrong. Dead wrong. Most of the snakes found in toilets are not water dwelling. Just ask the poor tenant of a Northern Territory apartment when he found a 1.8 meter long Black-Headed python in his toilet. Or the 10 FOOT LONG boa constrictor they found in Manchester. You know, the kinds of snakes that could probably squeeze you to death without a second thought.
And since we’ve brought up Snakes on a Plane, let’s address the most obviously horrible thing that could ever possibly happen to a male while on the toilet in the history of forever (we aren’t exaggerating). You’re sitting, doing your thing, possibly whistling – and a snake bites your junk. We’ll let you picture that. A snake, with those long, long fangs, going directly where the sun don’t shine. It happens, and it really, really scares us.