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The digital age means that anyone can simply put themselves out there for the world to see. Though few make a professional career through having an internet presence (save perhaps those in the adult entertainment sector), many more have achieved fame simply for being human train wrecks.
Logically, society should only reward talent. But the internet works a little differently, and people want entertainment wherever they can get it, as seen in these five examples.
Daniel Songer, Comedian
Daniel Songer (aka danpoetman on Youtube) is a Georgia native on a mission: to entertain you, the faceless internet. Unfortunately, the man's talent is a bit more than questionable. Just watch this:
Did you even make it past the first 57 seconds? Now imagine this for two-hundred videos straight. That's Daniel Songer.
Any given segment of Songer's act (and again, there are two-hundred of them at the time of this writing) contains the following:
- Off key singing punctuated by shortened breath - “Sexy dancing” that, while intentionally done poorly for the sake of comedy, manages to reach a state of creepy rivaling that of the Eraserhead baby - Wiping sweat away from his brow, because for some reason all of his videos are shot outside - No audience - Jokes about gay men wanting to sodomize him
And that's pretty much it. Yet as awful as it may be, it's difficult to turn away once you've fallen into the rabbit hole. Though widely considered to be the worst internet comedian on YouTube, he keeps chugging along, which can be really inspiring or incredibly depressing depending on how long you think about it.
Kevin Mills, Martial Artist
“This site teaches a unique hybrid of martial arts/self defense involving ki, an internal energy. With a Christian perspective.”
This quote comes from the now largely defunct Ki Sanctuary, maintained by the mysterious Chrono. Chrono would have you believe that he is a master martial artist not through intense physical training, but by harnessing the spiritual energy ki. While ki itself is an actual concept found in martial arts, Chrono's knowledge of it seems to stem entirely from Dragon Ball Z and suddenly his claims have lost any credibility they once had.
Various message board posts and journal entries across the net find Chrono claiming that he can form energy blasts with his hands not unlike Goku. Other abilities include astral projection and meeting fan fiction characters through astral projection. This all relates to martial arts, somehow.
Though much of the Ki Sanctuary no longer exists, bits and pieces can be found throughout the internet landscape. Chrono seems to have disappeared after actual amateur martial artists explained that letting out a “loud kiyah, or hissing” wouldn't stop Brock Lesnar from snapping your spine with his ki, by which we mean a power bomb.
Edward Muscare, Old Guy
Old people are like the cats of the internet (if you ignore actual cats, of course): if you post them, people will lose their minds in adoration. There have been many elderly bloggers in the history of YouTube, but few reach the same level of fame (or infamy) as Edward Muscare, convicted child molester.
Now before this continues, it needs to be clarified that Edward molested a fourteen year-old boy in 1986. Since then he hasn't committed another offense and instead has spent much of his time being your eccentric grandpa on YouTube. Much like Daniel Songer, Edward has a fondness for the musical arts, though he takes things in a decidedly different direction:
Despite his past being public knowledge and the unintentionally creepy nature of most of his videos (which are only made that much more creepy when his past is considered), “Uncle Ed” has over twenty-thousand subscribers. In 2010, after moving to North Carolina, Edward was arrested for owning his computer (a violation of his probation). No illegal materials were found when the computer was searched and, complying with the law, opted to have an associate upload his videos. This, however, was also deemed illegal and Edward was sentenced to five years in prison. His subscribers have undergone a campaign for his release.
Gene Ray, Other Old Guy
For many of us, the internet is the only platform that grants us the freedom to say whatever the hell we want. Some of us use this power for selfish reasons. Others, like Gene Ray, use it instead to try and open the rest of our eyes to the truth. In this case, the truth is Time Cube.
Time Cube is a theory that suggests that what we call a single day is actually four days occurring simultaneously. This somehow undermines the entirety of modern physics and religion. Thus, human existence as a whole has been based on lies.
What does this mean, exactly? That's a great question. You can try to dive deeper into the time cube website (all two very, very, very long pages of it) but Ray's unique style of rambling about everything and failing to make a point makes it impossible to understand what time cube means to you or any value it may have. What is clear, however, is that educators are afraid of Ray and refuse to let time cube be taught in school. Here's some choice quotes that may explain why they're “afraid:”
NO GOD MENTALITY EQUALS MY CUBED INTELLIGENCE. I EXIST IN PHENOMENOLOGICAL REALITY, ABOVE GOD. LOVE FOR A QUEER GOD IS EVIL ENOUGH TO KILL YOU. I AM NOT AN EVIL ONE, I RESPECT MY MOM & DAD.
It's hard to see why people aren't tripping over themselves to sign up with Ray, what, with all his charisma and charm.
Wiley Brooks, Dimensional Traveler
If scientists were capable of making a clone of Gene Ray without the racism and anger while throwing in the ability to type in size twelve font and some manners, they would get Wiley Brooks.
Brooks is the founder of the Breatharian Institute of America and believes that we as a species originated from the fifth dimension. However, we vacationed to Earth and apparently got stuck. His Breatharian movement is all about returning to the fifth dimension by reciting and meditation on five fifth dimensional words and partaking in a special diet of Diet Coke and a double quarter pounder with cheese meal.
According to Brooks, Diet Coke is liquid light and cows are a fifth dimensional life form capable of making fifth dimensional food in the form of beef. However, this diet is only to be enjoyed on rare occasions, as Breatharians persist primarily on sun light.
Although anyone who visits Brooks' website can begin their enriching and possibly life threatening spiritual journey, anyone with a billion dollars to spare can get lessons directly from Brooks himself. This price has fluctuated in the past, originally starting in the one-hundred thousand range. If you're looking for more information, Brooks advises that you call him on his fifth dimensional phone. We don’t know what that means, but we’re assuming that if you get really high and start hitting random numbers, you’ll probably reach him eventually.
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