5 (Scientifically) Proven Reasons You Shouldn’t Have Kids

  • November 06, 2010
  • 60,237
  • Science
  • Image Sources


You Will Kill The Environment

Our guess is that, because you are reading this site, you are one of the “green losers.” Or you aren’t. It really doesn’t matter. The fact of the matter is, if you aren’t green, then people look down upon you for “killing the environment” and all that other hippie crap.

But to put it straight, helping the environment is actually a good thing. Essentially, it ensures that you and your children will have a planet to come home to on your weekly excursions to the Sirius system.

But what does all this have to do with having children?


Not this. Definitely, God not this.

Really, the issue at hand is that having a kid will literally kill the frickin’ environment. Specifically, the article linked above states that, if a woman has two children, her carbon legacy increases by forty-frickin’-times. That’s a huge amount.

Even if you are driving a Prius, recycling daily, and wearing hemp shirts, you will still be worse off than that single guy who drives a Hummer, smokes six packs a day, and runs a coal plant, because you have kids.


Good for the environment (relatively)!

Why? Because having kids means they will have a carbon footprint, as will their kids, and their kids as well. It’s a helluva lot.


ADHD Sucks

Every parent gives their kid Ritalin nowadays because their kid is an annoying bastard, plain and simple.


The best breakfast cereal, for both the kids, and the parents!

But, there is an actual thing called ADHD out there that exists and is diagnosable by doctors. It’s a really common “mental defect.” So common, in fact, that the writer of this article has it himself, which explains his editor’s drinking habits. Regardless, it turns out that roughly one in eleven kids have ADHD of one form or another, making it a semi-serious pandemic in the world of neuropsychology and pseudoscience.

But, if you are one of the unlucky parents to have ADHD kids, you will probably be attending more AA meetings in the near future, because it has been shown by studies that parents with kids who have ADHD are much more likely to become alcoholics.

So. Start saying hello to those drinks, because they will be making sweet love to your mouth, soon enough!


You were thinking Vodka, weren’t you?

Written by Sam Blitz – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources
Image sources:

  • - You Will Lose Your Friends: http://dawnmasuoka.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/gasp.jpg http://www.globaleye.org.uk/secondary_summer2002/focuson/images/2.5.gif
  • - You Get Stupider: http://www.2bigsand.co.uk/Perfume_Bottles.jpg http://www.scottergories.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/mensa-logo.gif
  • - You Will Become Depressed: http://images.elfwood.com/art/n/o/nobbynobody/birds_and_the_bees.jpg http://www.jennag.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/sex_positions_spooning.jpg
  • - You Will Kill The Environment: http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/10717149/2/istockphoto_10717149-child-daring-to-be-different-with-bright-green-hair.jpg http://www.specialtyauto.net/photos1/2170031_1.JPG
  • - ADHD Sucks: http://encefalus.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/ritalin.jpg http://weblogs.asp.net/blogs/jcogley/WindowsLiveWriter/CleaningtheBlackBerry8820trackball_680/bb8820-6_2.jpg