5 (Scientifically) Proven Reasons You Shouldn’t Have Kids

Posted on November 06, 2010
Views: 35,069

Subscribe to our newsletter

Advertisements

There have been tales of children ruining one's life probably since the dawn of time. Men complain about their kids, women complain about their kids. It's only natural. However, most people acknowledge that, for good people, having kids is a good thing.

They couldn't be any more wrong. While there are some benefits of having kids, there are far, far more reasons not to have kids than there are reasons, and science has proven it.

proven

1.

You Will Lose Your Friends

Picture this: you are thirty years old and you and your wife share your friends. Together, you have a total of 10 friends, more or less. You chat with them on a daily basis, you know what’s going on in their lives, and they come over for tea occasionally.

You and your wife are generally happy people, living normal, tea-and-scone filled lives. It is reminiscent of 1960s America: coming home from work for a martini, mucking about in the garden on weekends and making eyes at the voluptuous Mrs. Smith from next door. Enough of that analogy, you dirty bastard.

But then, time passes and you now (fast forward five years or so) have two kids. Your vegetable garden has died, but that doesn't matter because the fruit from your loins has grown. It's all good, isn't it?

Maybe not.

you

Did you think that your garden would be the only thing to whither? Statistics say that you and your wife, together, have lost 2 friends.

What?

A new study, performed in the U.K. (yes, that's why there were British stereotypes in the examples) shows that adults who have two or more children have one less friend than a couple with no children. The analysts conclude that, astonishingly, "The average number of close friends for people with no children is 4.7 and this gradually declines until those who have three children have just 3.5."

you01

So what you have known all along is true. Children suck. But you didn't think that you would lose friends though, right? You would have thought that, because your other friends have had kids now, you guys can be in the same club again.

Unfortunately for you and your social life, that's not how it works. According to the Telegraph, people are no longer relying on friends for childcare but on professionals and on family members. It makes sense. Why would you have friends that you have to take to dinner once in a while when you could just pay a professional twelve bucks and hour to look after your kid or invoke the family guilt clause in your contract and make your half-cousin mind your children?

2.

You Get Stupider

At your weekly Mensa meeting, you find yourself disturbingly turned on by the librarian across the room. Her beautiful tied back hair and book-smell is lovely to you.

get

After years of debating whether or not your nerddom is good enough for her, you finally ask her. Fortunately for you, things go well and you get married. Then, the topic of children comes up. While she is scared, you aren’t. You want kids and have wanted them since you were a kid.

But should you have?

The answer to that is probably not. A study performed at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute states that you will lose your Mensa membership if you have kids. The study, performed on 200 married couples, tested their IQs before and after having kids.

It turns out, every single one of the couples dropped by at least 12 IQ points. That’s a huge number, considering that’s the minimum. Most couples dropped by 20 IQ points or more, enough to make you lose a Mensa membership.

get01

The leader of the study, possible ninja Dr. Hosung Lee, states that having children “retards” the brain’s activity. We say that because it can literally made you a retard. Based off of the definitions of someone who is mentally retarded, all it takes is 80 IQ or lower to make someone legally a retard. That means that if you are a parent and your IQ is merely average(say, exactly 100), then you are likely to become a retard after you have a kid.

3.

You Will Become Depressed

It is commonly known that having kids sucks. Really, it does. You have to make them waffles in the morning, clean their filthy bodies, feed them some more, and generally care for their well-being (unless they are really bad).

But, do you get any rewards?

Sure. By the time they are old enough to feed themselves, things should start to get better. You get to play catch with them, have rewarding conversations with them about specific insects and specific flying creatures, and just in general teach them the ways of life. Things are looking great for you.

will

Except they aren’t.

It turns out, that for dads at least, things start to go completely downhill once your kid reaches the innocent age of twelve. Twenty-one percent of fathers have had at least one bout of depression. And that’s saying something, because that is twenty-one percent more than would have had depression otherwise.

For those of you who aren’t as gifted in math, that just means that either you or one of your four male friends will be seriously depressed once all of your kids reach twelve years old. That involves lots of cuddling on your part, so just watch out.

will01

Advertisements
Random
Page 1 of 3
Loading...

Latest Articles

20 Creepiest Abandoned Hospitals From Around the World

20 Creepiest Abandoned Hospitals From Around the World

Hospitals can be scary places. They’re sterile and often impersonal, and oh yeah, there are often people dying all around you. And let’s not even get into the fact that...

7 Weird Ways People Try to Get Drunk

7 Weird Ways People Try to Get Drunk

People like their booze, and have for centuries upon centuries. It’s not a secret that basically as long as there have been human beings roaming the Earth, there have been human...

8 Ways Science Says Sex Is the Best Medicine

8 Ways Science Says Sex Is the Best Medicine

With a few odd exceptions, people love sex. Sex sells, people enjoy watching it, and more importantly, people enjoy having it. That’s because sex makes you feel good, and it...

10 Absolutely Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Music Videos

10 Absolutely Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Music Videos

Believe it or not, music videos are actually things that still exist, despite the fact that channels like MTV would have you believe otherwise. Celebrities popping up in a music...

7 TV and Movie Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Spinoffs

7 TV and Movie Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Spinoffs

One of the hardest things about writing fiction is coming up with interesting, fully developed side characters. After all, you can’t spend too much time on them because you...

8 Incredible Facts About Game of Thrones

8 Incredible Facts About Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones is an absolute juggernaut. There’s no denying it. Along with Walking Dead, you’d be hard pressed to find a television show that gets more online chatter that...

7 Books That Should Would Make Great TV Shows

7 Books That Should Would Make Great TV Shows

With the return of the immensely successful and wildly popular Game of Thrones, it’s only natural to look at the bookshelf and imagine what books may have a chance to rival the...

8 Completely Off the Wall Zombie Movies

8 Completely Off the Wall Zombie Movies

First things first, let’s not pretend that zombie movies are ever going to be exactly “normal.” After all, we’re talking about movies that center on the conceit that the...

8 Famous Movie Quotes No One Ever Gets Right

8 Famous Movie Quotes No One Ever Gets Right

We’re living in a culture where half of what we say seems to come from television or the movies. At some points it feels like there are precious few original thoughts being...

People Are Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse in Awesomely Fun Ways

People Are Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse in Awesomely Fun Ways

We’ve mentioned it before, but it bears repeating: people love the idea of surviving in a zombie apocalypse. The Walking Dead is the biggest show on television, and games like...