5 Reasons it Would Totally Suck to Live in the South Park Universe

  • January 10, 2011
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  • Pop Culture
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Dark Magic all up in here

There is much that is magical in South Park. Unfortunately for its residents, almost all of it is evil. Most prominently, there is the case of Kenny McCormick. He suffers through a torture none of us could possibly imagine, Perpetual Death Syndrome. It is the only explanation for him dying in every episode in the most horrible fashion possible, then coming back in the next one perfectly fine, with nobody saying a word. The only other possibility is that there is a multitude of cloned Kennys out there, and every time he dies, another clone takes its place. Either possibility is frightening.


Pray for this child, as he does not yet know what cruel fate the world has in store for him.

But the many deaths of Kenny are not the only supernatural things flying around South Park. You have David Blaine, dark magician and Jim Jones impersonator. Barbara Streisand turning into a Transformer T-Rex and battling Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier, also in Transformer mode. The Queer Eye for the Straight Guys turning out to be Crab People plotting to take over the world by turning all the men into fairies. The Fraternal Brotherhood of the Curse Word, sending out knights in shining armor to kill you if you swear too much. Who could forget that Worchester Sauce, when used as embalming fluid, will turn corpses into zombies? Or the time the director of the planetarium tried to hypnotize the people of South Park using the Planetarium to make everyone in town like the planetarium.


This Defies Explanation.

The point is that the supernatural is natural in South Park, and it always wants to drink your blood or make you kiss an ass that’s really a face.


The Evil of Eric Cartman

Much of the show’s popularity comes from Eric Cartman, one of the main four boys of the show, and who may actually be the Antichrist. The boy managed to dress up as both Hitler and a Klansman during one Halloween, he hates Jews and worships Mel Gibson, which is concerning in and of itself.


South Park predicted his fall into madness years before it happened.

But what makes him worthy of this list is his actions, which can only be described as evil. In one of the most well planned out and heartless pieces of villainy ever put on screen, Cartman executed revenge on a kid that stole 15 dollars from him by having his parents shot and killed by a farmer, then stole the bodies, chopped them up, put them into chili, then fed them to the unsuspecting boy. Also, he made the kid look like a baby in front of his favorite band, Radiohead, and they hate him now.


“What? I gave the kid a fruit basket, what more do you want from me?”

He’s tried to kill all of his friends more than once, tried to start a new Holocaust, imprisoned hippies in his basement, opened a revenge business which consisted of painting people’s houses in different shades of poop, almost ripped the country in half to win a bet with Stan and Kyle, tried to stab his mother, faked Tourette’s syndrome to get on TV, bought an amusement park so he could ride the rides all to himself and not have to wait in any lines, and convinced the town that Butters was dead so he could go out to dinner at Casa Bonita. If there is a despicable thing to be done, Cartman has already done it twice, and for some reason, people still like him. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why….


Oh yes, that’s it.


Written by Ben Adelman – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - Adult Retardation Syndrome: http://southparkstudios-intl.mtvnimages.com/shared/sps/images/shows/southpark/vertical_video/import/season_02/sp_0210_02_v6.jpg?width=480 http://pictures.mastermarf.com/blog/2008/080311-south-park-intro.jpg
  • - South Park is a total disaster magnet: http://media.ebaumsworld.com/picture/krail969/EricCartman.png http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2492/3809230947_b4c0e3846e.jpg
  • - Inept public services: http://lucawoo.com/police.jpg http://i499.photobucket.com/albums/rr358/Dedstu/MrGarrison.gif http://www.panelsonpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/garrison.jpg
  • - Dark Magic all up in here: http://www.freewebs.com/slycooper1050/406_baby_kenny.gif http://www.xn--ktteritzsch-rfb.de/serendipity/uploads/Pics/Ben.jpg
  • - The Evil of Eric Cartman: http://www.blogcdn.com/blog.moviefone.com/media/2009/10/mel_gibson_south_park.jpg http://microsoft.handango.com/include/pictures/55334/screwyouguys.jpg http://media.photobucket.com/image/Eric%20Cartman/mr_frodo23/1108_going_on_tv_mean_3.jpg