5 Pathetic Alien Invaders

  • October 12, 2010
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  • Science
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Invaders From the 5th Dimension (Lost In Space)

Speaking of the Fifth Dimension, here are some old-school aliens from that mythical place. From the 1960’s TV series Lost In Space, these are aliens who want to travel around the galaxy and destroy this planet and that one, but their ship is powered by human brainwaves and they just happen to be low on fuel. And hey, Earth has tons of human brains, most of which are not being used much at all! It’s win-win!

Here’s the problem, and why these aliens have not realized this is beyond any one of us: the brains need to be uncorrupted and devoid of anything that the aliens themselves do not understand. Their original captive, the dirty-evil-stinky-wart-infested Dr. Smith, was deemed unacceptable, as he was the reason the Robinsons crashed on another planet in the first place, has made too many babies cry too many times and was just plain too insane in the brain to properly power an alien spaceship.


In addition, his membrane was fairly insane in its own right. Yo.

So the aliens released Smith on the condition that he find a replacement, which he did; the Smith’s youngest son, Will. Yes, long before becoming the Fresh Prince and making millions in rap and movies, Will Smith was a cute little white boy who almost had his brain stolen to power an alien warcraft. But then yet another problem struck: his brain was also corrupted. By love.

Yes, the aliens did not understand love, and they certainly didn’t understand why somebody would shed tears because they’re sad that they’ll never see the ones they love again. Remember now, the aliens can’t use brains that have been corrupted by anything, and they had already hooked Will up to the ship when he started crying over the fact that he might never see his family again. This, in turn, caused an explosion. A love explosion, if you will.


Admit it, you want to download this song now. Do it; give in to the temptation.

In short, these aliens powered their ship on a certain kind of fuel, and apparently had no knowledge whatsoever about the actual fuel source. They needed human brains, but they can only use brains that contain no feelings, emotion, love, or hate at all. It’s all but impossible to find a brain like that unless you find a psychopathic serial killer. It’s either that, or the cast of an MTV reality show. Those are your only options, so why risk it with going after strange fuel sources? These aliens deserved to get blown up by the power of love.


The Martians (Santa Claus Conquers The Marians)

So you’re an alien, and you want to destroy all humanity. What’s the one and only way to do so? How about kidnapping Santa Claus, a holiday mascot who’s only important to the minority of the population that actually celebrates Christmas? Don’t worry; the rest of the world will probably understand what you’re getting at and follow along with the rest in kneeling to your will.

Here’s a couple of problems with your plan: Santa Claus has God-like powers and, if he lets you kidnap him at all, he’s only going to do so because he’s bored and has nothing else going on that day. You, the Martian, are not actually in control here at all. Santa knows what’s going on, he doesn’t really care, he knows he’s going to be fine and free in due time, and since your Martian children spend all day watching Earth television shows he stars in (thanks to the greatest satellite reception of all time,) he’s already brainwashed them against you and your entire kidnap-Santa scheme. Good plan.

Also, these are the Martians:



There’s no way around it: if you’re a Martian and look like little more than an ugly human with green greasepaint on, you’re not conquering anything. And if your army uniform looks like an unimaginative six-year-old designed it, you’re even more screwed. Finally, if this guy is one of your soldiers:


And he hasn’t been mysteriously offed by ‘friendly fire” in the form of 700 totally random ray-gun blasts, then you might as well just give up the ghost now. A medically obese, centuries-old elf will foil your master kidnapping scheme and will put up absolutely no effort in doing so, mainly because you stood no chance from the start. You are basically the worst evil alien invaders in history, and the only reason anyone even knows about you is because a janitor and a couple of robots watched your movie once and made fun of you for two hours. Many would consider that to be good-enough for a consolation prize.

Got some more half-hearted attempts at domination from alien overlords? Post them below! Written by Jason Iannone – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - The Monstars (Space Jam) : http://media.port-network.com/picture/instance_1/73683_1.jpg http://media.port-network.com/picture/instance_2/56070_2.jpg
  • - Zim (Invader Zim): http://chipstreet.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/zim-pondering.jpg?w=91 http://www.lyris-lite.net/img/reviews/zim_gir_new.jpg
  • - Mister Mxyzptlk (Superman): http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/dcanimated/images/thumb/7/75/Mxy.jpg/275px-Mxy.jpg http://www.supermansupersite.com/mxyzptlk2.gif http://media2.myfoxchicago.com//photo/2010/08/19/0819-clemems_20100819182152_320_240.JPG
  • - Invaders From the 5th Dimension (Lost In Space): http://sharetv.org/images/guide/282714.jpg http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_EpC1K6KZzNA/Sg5J0Qm027I/AAAAAAAAVm0/yE0ooWmx0Pk/s400/gustavoeo.jpg
  • - The Martians (Santa Claus Conquers The Marians): http://asset.soup.io/asset/0574/5275_63e2.jpeg http://www.monstershack.net/reviews/full/gfx/sccm/dropo.jpg