5 Most Badass Ways Humans Have Defeated Animals

  • December 11, 2010
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  • Science
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Big Tom Wayandie vs. Grizzly Bear

How Scary Is It?

Bears, along with lions and tigers, are frightening. In fact, they make little girls say, “Oh my!” on a regular basis while skipping through the forest.

But they also eat people. They are some of the biggest predators on the planet, weighing in at up to one and a half thousand pounds. In a test to figure out how strong a bear is exactly, a bear was able to easily topple a 700 pound dumpster and lift a 675 pound rock with one claw. And this bear was only 1,000 pounds.

Grizzly bears are the most aggressive of all bears, which is definitely saying something. They are easily able to kill a man. The only man ballsy enough to hunt grizzly bears as a hobby was Teddy Roosevelt, and he is a well-known, historically recognized, badass.



Score: Man 4; Beast 0

Tom Wayandie (a 78 year old Native Canadian mountain man) and his son, were on the lookout to steal the antlers off of mooses (meese?) out in the wilderness or whatever, when they spotted a young grizzly bear. Now, little ones aren’t that dangerous, but it is the mothers that are overprotective of their young that are.

So when Tom’s son was a bit too close to the young bear, the mom came and mauled the poor kid. She literally picked him up and threw him into the air. Then, she pinned him to the ground and started going at him.


Like this bear, but, you know, like twice as big.

Tom Wayandie then decided to step in and “peacefully” ended the fight with “words.” And by that, we mean that he charged it with a walking stick and yelled at it. After the stick was lodged in the bear’s mouth, he started punching it. With his bare (bear?) fists. After fighting for a while, the bear decided it didn’t love its child that much and just ran off with its tail between its legs, probably crying like the little baby it was.


Captain Sigurdur "The Iceman" Petursson vs. Greenland Shark

How Scary Is It?

The Greenland Shark (also known as Somniosus microcephalus) is a fairly large shark. By fairly large, of course, we mean huge. According to the reputable source Wikipedia, a Greenland Shark can grow up to 21 feet long. To illustrate, the largest Great White Sharks grow up to 20 feet long.


“I want my mommy…!”

This specific type of shark, while generally known not to attack humans, is dangerous. You know those polar bears that are supposedly the toughest of the tough (along with the cutest of the cute) hunters in the northern hemisphere? It don't got nothin’ on the Greenland Shark. A part of a polar bear was recently discovered in the stomach of one of these monstrosities.

How does it stand up to a human, then? Well, here is a picture displaying the size difference:


The size difference has thus been displayed.

Score: Man 5; Beast 0

To put it frankly, this shark shouldn't be afraid of anything. Especially not free food, right?

In 2003, the captain of the fishing vessel "Erik the Red" was fishing. Later, his men went to shore to process a catch and make it edible. The Greenland Shark approached the shallow water, believing that his sharky wife wouldn't have to cook for him tonight because, hell, what shark prefers a home-cooked seal (pun definitely intended) over freshly caught and bloodied fish?

The badass captain, aptly named Sigurdur "The Iceman" Petursson, saw the shark approaching his men. Realizing his cannonball-sized balls were probably not big enough to scare away a shark, he jumped to action. The Iceman grabbed the shark by the tail and literally dragged it to shore - all 1300 pounds of sharky meat. After he decided that the shark couldn't breathe on land, he decided to add more breathing holes to it, stabbing it to death.

Now, we cannot emphasize it enough - the man did not need to stab the shark to kill it dead. He dragged it to dry land, thus causing it to suffocate. And if it didn't suffocate because of a rare new shark mutation that allows them to breathe and run on dry land, it would have died out of fear induced by a guy named The Iceman dragging his sorry ass to shore. Shark news probably read something like, “First Human Attack of the Year, Lethal”.

Written by Sam Blitz – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com

Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - Von Pardue vs. Pit Bull: http://celebpulp.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/gary_busey.jpg
  • - Arizonan vs. Rabies Bobcat: http://celebpulp.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/gary_busey.jpg http://kphserver.com/equine/PRODCUTBOXES/testeroneCypionate.png
  • - Yok Meneh vs. Malayan Tiger: http://www.thecuteproject.com/images/news/362.jpg
  • - Big Tom Wayandie vs. Grizzly Bear: http://manwiththemuckrake.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/teddyroosevelt.jpg http://morrisonworldnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Japanese-bear-does-Kung-Fu-moves-03.jpg
  • - Captain Sigurdur "The Iceman" Petursson vs. Greenland Shark: http://www.sustainablesushi.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/brandon-cole-great-white-shark.jpg http://www.blogcdn.com/www.divester.com/media/2006/12/greeland-shark.jpg http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/03_02/shark2BAR1303_800x569.jpg