Some men fight crocodiles for a living. But, most don’t. Most people just sit at home and watch other people on TV kill snakes, bears, crocodiles, and stingrays (ooh, sorry).
But, there are a select few who will go out of their way to kill something when they aren’t paid to do it. These people are the standard to which all others are held when declaring one’s badassery.
Von Pardue vs. Pit Bull
How Scary Is It?
The pit bull is a type of dog (Canis lupus familiaris) that is well known for its rage. There are tons of myths surrounding the pit bull, but most of them are false.
They can’t lock their jaws, they will let go if they are told to, they aren’t bloodthirsty monsters, and they don’t have jaws that dish out two thousand pounds of force.
Nonetheless… you should be afraid of them. They are really determined, and their jaw strength is 235 pounds of force, which is really impressive. And so, when they bite something that they don’t want to let go of, they won’t lock their jaw, but they will make sure you don’t open it by biting really hard.
To put that in perspective, it takes roughly 37 pounds of force to break someone’s neck. They have over six times that strength. And it uses it… to kill people. Pit bulls are banned in some places because of the number of pit bull related fatalities.
Score: Man 1; Beast 0
While going for a morning walk, a man named Von Pardue saw a cute little doggy along the street. It wasn’t just any cute little doggy, though. It was his neighbor’s pit bull.
Being the bastard that a pit bull is, it decided to just randomly attack him. Being the manly man that he was, Pardue, while being bitten, dragged the beast to his house. What he did next is amazing. While his hand was still in the dog’s mouth, he took his other hand (probably while yelling in rage/pain) and punched the pit bull in the chest. It opened its jaws and out popped his other hand, which, presumably while still bleeding testosterone, he used to grab it by the collar.
He took it to his backyard, and by the time the police got to the house, Pardue had already “accidentally” choked it.
Yeah, sure. Sure, that’s definitely possible… “accidentally” choking something. If it doesn’t work for teens caught in the moment, it shouldn’t work for him.
Arizonan vs. Rabies Bobcat
How Scary Is It?
The bobcat itself isn’t that frightening. A male bobcat weighs anywhere between 16 and 30 pounds and is roughly three feet long, on average. That makes it the equivalent of a wild, fat, large cat. Nothing to be that afraid of, right?
Well, it also has sharp, retractable claws and sharp teeth. But, once again, that’s like a normal cat, just a bit more intense.
What made this particular animal deadly is that it had rabies.
Rabies is a virus that makes things go nuts and then it kills you. But, before you die, you go nuts and want to bite things. The same happens to animals, and that is actually a primary way the rabies virus is transmitted.
So, not only was this bobcat nuts (e.g. wildly aggressive and randomly attacking), it also carried a lethal virus that almost always kills if not treated before symptoms arise.
Score: Man 2; Beast 0
This man was approached in his front yard by a bobcat with rabies.
Being the badass he very well must be, he did not flee the scene, as everyone and their mother would have. Instead, he stood his ground and waited to be attacked, possibly with a halo over his head [citation not needed].
But he was attacked, and so, doing as all country men from Yavapai County, Arizona, would do, he took it by the cat-throat and started strangling the hell out of it. While we think it would have been cooler if he did the People’s Elbow and put the cat in a choke hold, strangling was apparently good enough for this cat-killing Superhero.
So… it died. Just like that. The man didn’t know the bobcat had rabies, but he would have done the same thing had he known, we presume. He is just that awesome.
Yok Meneh vs. Malayan Tiger
How Scary Is It?
Let’s just be honest about it: tigers are huge and scary. Malayan tigers, specifically, can grow up to 8 feet long and weigh up to 300 pounds, all of that consisting of raw, fear-inducing muscle. Their big teeth can be up to four inches long, making them illegal to conceal in America if they were knives (which they essentially are). The teeth themselves have pressure sensors that allow the tiger to decide where it is optimal to cut the neck of an animal.
The claws on their paws can be as long as their teeth, but can be concealed until they need them to eviscerate you.
They can run at 35 mph, making them on par with lions and bears (Oh my!).
But don’t take our word for it. Just watch this video.
Score: Man 3; Beast 0
In an epic display of vegetarianism, a 47-year-old man named Yok Meneh was picking green beans and other vegetables, when suddenly… TIGER OUT OF F$%@ING NOWHERE!!!
The tiger attacked him randomly, probably because the man was gathering the veggies the tiger had stowed away for the winter months (tigers don’t actually do that). But, it was subtle. It crept up behind the man and mauled him.
With lightning fast reaction times, Yok Meneh picked up a rock, probably the most deadly weapon he had at the time. Taking the killing device in his hand, he struck the tiger on the head with the rock over and over and over again. We assume that he then beat his chest and shouted like Tarzan, but we cannot be certain due to the obscurity of the location of the event.
Eventually, it sulked off, like the pussy it was. Get it? Pussy. Like a pussy cat.