5 Incredibly Pointless Casino Games

  • June 22, 2010
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Video Horse Racing

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Everyone loves horse racing, except for animal rights activists. And the horses; they don’t particularly like it either. Every time a horse races, they’re likely thinking, in their own horse language, of about a billion things they would rather do than run around in a circle so the midget standing on top of them can win money and flowers. Their opinion sours further once they realize what happens if they ever break their leg mid-race.

We can relate; if the editors showed up at our house and shot us as soon as we suffered a bad case of Carpal Tunnel, we’d be less inclined to type another paragraph anytime soon.

Who else hates horse racing? Anyone who wishes to have a say in whether or not they win their bets. Horse racing is, at the end of the day, a crapshoot. You don’t know if the horse is having an off day, if the horse is sick, if the horse is hurt, if the horse will get hurt during the race, or if the horse just plain hasn’t gotten laid in awhile and is too bummed out to run fast today. You basically pick a horse based on how awesome you think their pretentious fake show name is, and hope for the best.

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”My name’s Bill, not Himalayan Silver Rose! Why don’t they understand this?!”

And video horse racing combines the pointlessness of regular horse racing with the utter laziness of not being there for the horse on which you bet money. Pretty much every casino has a big room now where you can go and put money on a particular horse in a particular race, hundreds or even thousands of miles away. You then plop your tushy on a cushy, watch the race on TV, and pretend you’re there. That way you don’t have to travel, cheer your horse on in person, or smell what the horses left behind and, once your horse inevitably loses, you can just dart your eyes to another TV on the other side of the room and forget all about it. After all, it’s just a horse. If it wanted a soul, it should’ve been born a human.


Rock Paper Scissors

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Yup. That little hand game you would play as a kid to determine who goes on the slide first, or as an adult to decide who goes home with the ugly guy/girl/maybe-both at the end of the bar? Well, it’s a casino table game. Finally!

What are the rules? Well, what do you think are the rules? If your hand looks like a rock, and your opponent’s looks like scissors, you win because rocks can break scissors. But if the opponent’s hand looks like paper, then the paper covers the rock and you lose. This is silly, because the rock could easily lay on the paper and win. Really, the rock should be able to beat anything, if you think about it.

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Except for cute little kids

So, take that into a casino, and you’ve got two grown adults flicking fingers at each other, and evidently the odds go up, as does the payout, the more times you win in a row. But that’s just the cash game version, now playing at a really, really desperate casino near you. The REAL money is in Rock Paper Scissor Tournament play, where you can win thousands of dollars by forming your fingers into the right position more often than anybody else. But don’t you dare try that dynamite crap in such a setting. “Dynamite blows up everything!” got you beat up as a kid, and it can get you set on fire when surrounded by a couple thousand scientists who take organized finger-flicking extremely seriously.

Written by Jason Iannone – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - War: http://www.real-3d-games.com/images/games_images/cameo%20casino/casino-war.jpg http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Health/Images/old-couple.jpg
  • - Wheel Of Fortune/Money Wheel : http://www.rentacasino.net/images/moneywheel.jpg http://troglopundit.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/vanna-white1.jpg
  • - North American Baccarat: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_OvryYdVtfSo/Sh8bFnPB5CI/AAAAAAAAERc/AWzxkiMh30Y/s400/James_Bond_gambling_casino_chips_Timothy_Dalton_Licence_To_Kill_baccarat_poker.jpg http://jokes.mtvnimages.com/images/jokes_vertical/video/j_liz/j_liz_01_0102/j_liz_01_0102_07_v6.jpg
  • - Video Horse Racing: http://www.textually.org/ringtonia/archives/images/set3/horse-racing.jpg http://www.horsegroomingsupplies.com/horse-forums/members/cowboys_cowgurl-albums-my+new+horse-picture14960-brookfields-august-rush.jpg
  • - Rock Paper Scissors: http://leftoforange.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/rock-paper-scissors1.jpg http://mykaionline.com/visual_effects/img/the_game_plan.jpg