We all love a good movie villain. You can have a good movie made great with the inclusion of a fantastic villain, or you can take what would otherwise be a good movie and make it horrible if the villain is well below par. It’s not tough to at least create an intimidating villain, right? Seriously, how difficult could it be to have a villain who poses a true threat to your protagonist and isn’t someone you feel you should just laugh at and shoo away like an annoying little pest that’s not worthy of your time. According to these movies, it’s apparently pretty darned difficult. Here are some of the lamest villains ever put on screen.
Nuclear Man – Superman IV
Comic book movies, in general, tend to have cheesy villains, and cheesy characters in general. After all, they are based on cartoons, so it makes sense that the characters would be cartoonish. Still, that does not excuse the fact that some comic book movies seemingly go out of their way to produce the absolute lamest characters ever conceived. First and foremost on that list is Nuclear Man, the villain from the utterly forgettable Superman IV.
Do you want to know how Nuclear Man was created in the movie? Lex Luthor steals a strand of Superman’s hair and attaches it to a nuclear missile, which Superman intercepts and throws into the sun because clearly that’s not a remotely bad idea. The ensuing explosion and nuclear reaction creates a super human called Nuclear Man, who is every bit as lame as his origin. And do you want to know what his motivation is for everything he does? He has a crush on a girl and desperately wants to meet her, so he threatens mayhem basically to get a date. So not only is he lame, he’s also pathetic and totally a stalker.
General Grievous – Attack of the Clones
Okay, here is a hint: this will not be the only Star Wars villain to appear on this list, and we could easily have included one or two more, particularly from the prequels. Seriously, picking lame characters from the prequels is like finding water by falling out of a boat. You know, assuming the boat isn’t on land. Anyway, the point is, General Grievous is one of the most ridiculously lame movie villains we’ve ever seen. He was designed with the intent of looking cool, we’re guessing, but that is all undermined by the fact that he spends the entire movie wheezing and coughing and hacking up phlegm.
You know what’s not intimidating? A guy who walks hunched over and sounds like he’s on the verge of an asthma attack every time he comes on the screen. Apparently nobody informed George Lucas of this fact, because that’s about all that General Grievous does for the duration of Attack of the Clones, a film which has the single redeeming quality of downgrading Jar Jar Binks’ role from major to minor character.
Eliot Carver – Tomorrow Never Dies
James Bond has had a bunch of lame villains. Let’s be honest, guys like Goldfinger and Odd Job, while classic villains, are not exactly in the pantheon of the most intimidating bad guys of all time. Sure, Odd Job was a big, strong guy, but his big move was throwing his freaking hat. Still, he craps all over Eliot Carver, the villain from Tomorrow Never Dies, which was another in the long line of Bond films that just got sillier and sillier with every new script.
The character of Carver was a billionaire media mogul whose big plan was to create a global war. Okay, as far as supervillain plots, that’s not bad. After all, if you’re a supervillain and you’re not either trying to take over the world or destroy it, then you’re really not trying at all and maybe you should rethink your path in life. But when the reason you want to create a global war is to generate higher ratings for your media corporations? That’s straight out of the Fox News playbook. Oh, burn!
Mr. Freeze – Batman and Robin
Arguably the lamest comic book movie ever made will obviously play host to several of the lamest villains of all-time. We could have picked any of them, really, but we decided to go with Mr. Freeze as portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Poison Ivy was super lame, and so was this film’s incarnation of Bane. But seriously, Mr. Freeze takes the cake. And in keeping with the lame puns and one liners he liked to fling at us like a monkey throwing poop, we’ll say he takes the ice cream cake.
Seriously, that’s basically all he does for the entire movie, other than looking like a deranged version of the Tin Man with frostbite. What makes it even more incredible, and yes, we’re using the world incredible here because seriously, how could you not? Anyway, what makes it more incredible is when you factor in these horrific puns were being voiced by Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose accent is funny on its own, let alone when he’s saying things like “ice to meet you,” which doesn’t make any bit of sense, by the way.
Boba Fett – The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi
Yep, we went here. Settle down fanboys, and try not to riot. Look, we get that Boba Fett is extremely cool looking. The awesome helmet, the jet pack, basically everything about him screams “awesome badass.” You know, until you step back and realize how woefully inept he is at his job. “But he captured Han Solo!” is what you’re saying right now. No, he didn’t. He absolutely did no such thing, and you’re a lying liar if you say otherwise.
Sure, he tracked Han to Cloud City but who actually captured him? Darth Vader and a crap load of stormtroopers. And then in Jedi, he continues to stand around looking cool at Jabba’s palace and on Jabba’s sail barge. But the moment the fighting breaks out, what happens? He gets knocked into the Sarlacc by a blind man flailing wildly around. Of course when you think about the fact that all of the stormtroopers are clones of his dad, it starts to make sense that they are all equally inept.