Mr. T Board Game
Too good for identifying subtitles, Mr. T has been an easily marketable icon for years. Before selling his soul to World of Warcraft, he used to sell really terrible cooking appliances and vitamins of questionable merit. Before that he was the sassiest member of the A-Team but at some point they somehow stopped being relevant and we've yet to forgive the American television-viewing public for this tremendous oversight.
Somewhere between “cracking skulls” and “shilling night elves” Mr. T had a cartoon not unlike Scooby-Doo; T and a gang of wise-cracking youths traveled the country in search of good deeds to do, only to stumble upon crimes being committed. Fifteen minutes later Mr. T has a drug lord in a rear-naked choke and someone's frantically trying to call the police.
Anyway, in “Mr. T: The Game” T and his team of teen gymnasts are late for their flight. Players must travel the board and complete three mundane tasks before they can board the flight, including picking up clothes from the dry cleaners and saying goodbye to the team mascot. Why each individual teammate needs to say goodbye is never explained. Even more concerning, the winner is the first person to reach the flight. This presents a bit of a paradox because they're already running late and if only one person can win than it's safely assumed that Mr. T and the rest of the gang are effectively grounded, ensuring that you're losing the gymnastics meet unless T calls up Faceman and the two build a fully functional helicopter out of an old tractor and a Tandy computer.
Who Would Buy It:
Recovering WoW addicts who need to learn the true value of teamwork and booking well ahead of your time of departure.
KISS on Tour
The band KISS is the single greatest merchandising machine ever made by the hands of men. Everything from condoms to caskets has been mindlessly endorsed by four men in makeup and glitter and subsequently eaten up by their fans, only fueling the need to make more crap in the future. Within the scope of all things KISS, a board game is actually pretty reasonable, not something that you can say about most bands. For example, would you play a Kingston Trio trivia game? If you answered “yes,” get off my internet, grandpa.
KISS on Tour puts you in the difficult role of being an avid KISS fan. Players follow the band on a ten city tour, collecting records on the way. It's assumed that the game is operational only during the day as night time hours are strictly reserved for rock n' roll.
KISS on Tour presents the same problem as the band's other board games. Specifically, you're not good enough to even pretend to be Gene Simmons, even in cardboard. Despite all the money you've sunken into your fandom you're not even permitted to pretend for thirty minutes that you're little more than a paycheck.
Who Would Buy It: Duran Duran fans, because despite their board game being the same thing it lacks the emotional depth that is Love Gun.
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