Pokemon was a show about cute little monsters that mutated into a real-life card game. Yu-Gi-Oh takes the concept one step further towards Hell, being a show about a card game. The entire show was based around the main characters playing with magical battle cards. Naturally, it mutated into a real-life card game. And yes, it was a highly complex card game that required the purchase of many an expensive deck, just in case that one rare and exceedingly powerful card just happened to be there. And why wouldn’t it be?
Any semblance of plot exists simply to hold the show together enough to actually consider it a “show”, as the entire point of each episode is to explain the rules of the card game that you will dutifully run out to buy and play. This means we got wonderfully stilted and forced dialogue that sounded an awful lot like this:
Ah ha ha, you shall be no more. I will unleash my Mystical Elf card now! With its terrific defense and spellcasting abilities, this game, and the world, shall be mine at last!
Oh yeah? Well, I’m countering with my WITTY PHANTOM!
Oh no! The Witty Phantom is far stronger than the Mystical Elf!
That’s right! And the Witty Phantom presides over death! His attack level is far higher than your Mystical Elf. Your plans are no more!
You shall pay dearly for this. As soon as I return from my world travels and retrieve the powerful card Doma The Angel of Silence, you and your Phantom shall be no more! Revenge shall be mine! Ah hahahahaha!
That dialogue was technically made up, but you would be hard-pressed to find anything in the actual show that was much more intelligent. Meanwhile, the creators of Yu-Gi-Oh would be hard-pressed to care, since their extended toy commercial has netted them over $18 billion so far.
Now that you have yet another theme song blaring in your head, let’s talk Power Rangers and how the show was basically a giant infomercial for themselves. From the show’s debut in 1993 to its end in 2006, the Rangers stood for three things: justice, preachy morals that they didn’t actually abide by, and marketing absolutely everything that appears on their show.
When the show began, the toy craze was out of this world. Parents were actually fighting in the aisles of Toys R Us to get to the last Megazord. They were really getting into it; so much so that it’s a shame Ultimate Fighting wasn’t around back then. Some of those moms would have given Brock Lesnar a real run for his money.
Why would parents do such a thing, you might ask? Why wouldn’t they show even a little restraint when dealing with what’s basically a brightly colored piece of plastic that cost more than dinner and a movie would? Because silly, if they didn’t, little Johnny would send them to their room without supper. Remember, it is a crime against humanity to deny your child anything. A disappointed child equals an abused child.
Basically, all six Rangers (seven if you count when the Green Ranger became the White Ranger, because you know they sold the bejeezus out of that one) were for sale. As were the primary bad guys, every Mega/Dragon/Ultra/Tiger/HappyMeal Zord, a bunch of random monsters, and probably even the comic relief school bullies. And when it came time for the original Rangers to move on and not have careers elsewhere, a whole new Power Rangers show debuted. Yup, new heroes, new villains, new costumes, new Zords, same old marketing scheme. This pattern repeated about fifteen times before the show’s producers finally decided they had enough money and cancelled the show. Good to see they weren’t greedy after all…
Oh wait, somebody else bought out the show and it’s likely going to be renewed after all, with all-new Rangers and all new swag to drain your already paper-thin wallet. Never mind.
What was your most beloved half hour commercial from the '80s? Discuss in the comments below!.
- - Transformers and He-Man: http://youngstarz.org/online/wp-content/uploads/ronald_reagan_young_starz3.jpg http://transformers.ugo.com/images/favorite-autobots/arcee.jpg
- - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles : http://www.teesforall.com/images/TMNT_Served_Gray_Babydoll.jpg http://www.toyarchive.com/STAForSale/NEW2001+/TMNT/MOC/AceDuckPopUpMOC1a.jpg
- - Pokemon : http://media.giantbomb.com/uploads/0/9559/238964-pokemon_yellow_gameplay_super.jpg http://heidthebaw.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/pikachu.gif
- - Yu-Gi-Oh!: http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y162/ForestbrookNook/2010Spring/yug1.jpg http://pwtorch.com/artman2/uploads/1/ted.jpg
- - Power Rangers : http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_BKojl4WgoWM/StZ5JXbCCEI/AAAAAAAAAis/dFXBS15GF6w/s320/mmpr-rg-kimberly.jpg http://cdn.sheknows.com/articles/sad-child-at-camp.jpg