Subscribe to our newsletter
No childhood is complete without a toy that could potentially kill those who wield it. Why, part of growing up is learning that Lego bricks are both sharp and incredible painful to pass through your body. But these toys are a different kind of dangerous. These traps of plastic… these manufactured facades don’t lie dormant until you think it’s okay to stick one in your mouth. No, these toys are lethal by their very nature. If they haven’t made a serious attempt on your life, then somehow you are using them wrong.
Bat Masterson Derringer Belt Gun
Too often have men been torn between the decision to hold up their pants or to kill a stranger with cold, unloving steel. Thanks to the Bat Masterson Derringer Belt Gun, a ten year old can experience the joys of secure Levis and Southern justice in a single package. Children playing with guns has become an accepted part of childhood, so why not make it fashionable to boot?
The weapon on the buckle is a cap gun, meaning there will be no ensuing rush to the emergency room or the need to dig a shallow grave should you thrust your pelvis in the wrong direction. But that doesn’t mean someone wouldn’t get hurt by one of these bad boys. In fact, a safety organization in the United States claimed that the "caps can be ignited by friction and cause serious burns." On the downside, you’ve just burned your penis, but on the other hand, you just earned the awesome nickname “Hotrod.” Coveted by many but mastered by few, the Bat Masterson Derringer Belt Gun has fallen to the wayside with many other toy weapons of the olden days.
Johnny Reb Cannon
Speaking of terrible ideas, here’s another deadly weapon made harmless made deadly again when it finds its way into the hands of someone who’s yet to hit puberty. Billed as an authentic recreation of a Civil War cannon, this device is thirty inches long and fires plastic cannon balls up to thirty-five feet at the pull of a lanyard, making playtime rebellion so much easier than ever before! Perfect for any child who wants to secede from Lincoln’s America.
There’s a whole laundry list of why the Johnny Reb Cannon was an awful idea, but we’ll try to keep it short. First, the inclusion of a Rebel flag would imply some sort of glorification of the Confederacy, and therefore the continuation of slavery. Terrible ethics aside, what toy would need to fire ammunition up to thirty-five feet away? What game requires that much distance between two children? Is there a Battle of Ticonderoga playset sold separately? You can write “DO NOT FIRE CANNON AT NEIGHBORHOOD CATS” on the box in letters bigger than the average human skull but we guarantee that was the only thing this was ever used for once Johnny Reb tore through the box like a hurricane of sugar and violence.
Hammocks aren’t for children. Hammocks are for people who are too drunk to find their way back to their bedroom but not so drunk that they wouldn’t mind sleeping in an oversized fishing net. Hammocks are made so people can sleep comfortably outside, but if God wanted you to sleep outside then he wouldn’t let tornadoes happen there. Since their inception, hammocks have long been associated with the fat and lazy by popular culture anyway. Is that really what you want your child to aspire to be like?
Naturally the Mini-Hammock was a disaster waiting to unfold. In order for them to not end in tragedy, two things had to happen: hammocks need to stop being hammocks or children need to stop being stupid. Sadly, both of these things have yet to happen. By design, hammocks are just ropes tied in a way that can support weight. In order to not strangle their users like demented serial killers, the ropes are held apart by spreader bars, the same bars that the manufacturer of the Mini-Hammock decided to skip out on during the planning stages. They were ultimately recalled after reports of children getting strangled by the ropes while they were climbing in or out.
13 Incredible Pictures You Won’t Believe Were Done in Pencil
Throughout time, people have produced incredible art. It’s amazing what people can do with various mediums, from oils, to charcoal, and even, amazingly, the simple pencil. While...
12 Homes for People Who Never Want Visitors
Sometimes, solitude is an absolute delight. It’s okay to be social and friendly most of the time, but now and then you just want to have some time to yourself. And let’s not...
17 Rarely Seen Pictures of Celebrities - History in Pictures
It’s really difficult not to fall into a trap of using cliché phrases like ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’ and similar while watching these old photographs below. Just...
16 Bizarre Film Choices by Well Respected Actors
Everyone makes mistakes both in their everyday lives and in their careers. It shouldn’t come as any surprise that sometimes the people making those mistakes are professional...
16 Small but Terrifying Creatures
Here are some small, yet horrifying little monsters prowling around out in Mother Nature’s backyard. Mother Nature is a deadly, terrifying force that we should all be deathly...
17 of the Most Horrifying Torture Devices Ever Conceived
Torture isn’t particularly fun to think about, so we can only imagine how horrific it must be to actually have it done to you. Fortunately we as a society have pretty much done...
18 Bizarre Phobias People Actually Have
It’s natural to be scared of things. After all, it’d be a little ludicrous to never get frightened, whether your fears revolve around sharks, snakes, spiders, death, or, most...
18 of the Most Absurdly Expensive Toys in the World
Everyone loves toys. It’s okay, you can admit it, whenever you find yourself in a department store you at least wander past the toy section and sneak a look at the latest action...
20 Awesome Facts About Star Wars
People are getting excited about the new Star Wars movie that’s due to come out next year, and rightfully so. Even with the missteps that were the prequels, it remains one of the...