4 Ridiculously Whiny TV Action Heroes

  • June 07, 2010
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  • Pop Culture
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3.

Bill Compton (True Blood)

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Oddly enough, this is the Compton ladies feel safe around.

When Bill Compton swaggers into Merlotte’s Bar in the pilot episode of the HBO series True Blood, he actually comes off as kind of a bada*$. He’s got a cocky edge to him, he knows he can kill anyone in the place, and he’s right, because he’s a vampire. He’s been a vampire since the Civil War and just recently returned to his family’s hometown of Bon Temps, Louisiana. So what, in the name of the eternal darkness, happened? How did this once great and terrifying vampire turn into a brooding softy?

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Women, of course. First it was his “maker,” who turned him against his will and robbed him of the opportunity to ever see his wife and kids again, and then it was Sookie, the waitress played by Anna Paquin, who proves with this role that she should really think about giving her Oscar back. As soon as Bill meets Sookie, he turns into one of the wussiest vampires we’ve ever heard of, and we’re counting those dudes from the Anne Rice novels.

Bill mopes around, whining that he doesn’t want to hurt Sookie. He cries about how it’s not safe for her to be around him, and all the while all she wants to do is bang him about 24 hours a day. We don’t know about you, but we’re thinking Bill seriously needs to rethink his priorities. In short, man up or take a sunbath and let someone else take a shot.

4.

Sam Winchester (Supernatural)

sam winchester01

The weirdest thing is, he doesn’t whine about the size of his chin.

If you have never seen Supernatural, and judging by the ratings there is a very good chance you haven’t, it revolves around the family Winchester. The clan consists of dad John (a.k.a. The Comedian from Watchmen) and his two sons Dean and Sam, who decided to take a break from their gig at Abercrombie and Fitch to hunt and kill demons and monsters and ghosts, set to some sweet classic rock tunes. On the one hand, you’ve got Dean: a sarcastic rebel who revels in drinking beer and hooking up with hot women. On the other side, you’ve got sensitive younger brother Sam: a guy who never wanted the demon hunting life and makes sure everyone knows it every chance he gets.

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Sam was about to go to Stanford law school until his girlfriend was murdered by the same demon that killed his mother. Over the course of the series, Sam mopes and broods and never even attempts to engage in any of the fun that the far more awesome Dean is having because, as it turns out, Sam is a perpetual sad panda. He just about goes dark side and (another spoiler alert, dear reader) at the end of the most recent season is possessed by Lucifer. Okay, so maybe he does have reason to be a little bummed.

And you always know when he’s a little bummed, because he goes to his patented “furrowing his brows and making a sad puppy face,” which is about the extent of Jared Padalecki’s acting range. But the point is Sam Winchester is a bad haircut and some depressing music away from being the most emo “hero” on television.

Written by Jeff Kelly – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - Jack Shephard (Lost): http://susansternberg.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/bearded-jack-shephard.jpg http://www.giftsandfreeadvice.com/free_advice/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/evangeline-lilly-white-bikini.jpg
  • - Buffy Summers (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): http://www.starcentralmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/buffy_f1.jpg http://justonlinesale.com/home/mall/media/upload/buffy%201%281%29.jpg
  • - Bill Compton (True Blood): http://media.photobucket.com/image/bill%20compton/samantha1992_1/bill_compton_true_blood_season_2.png http://caffeine-headache.net/blog3/93248_stephen-moyer-as-bill-compton-in-character-art-for-hbos-true-blood-season-2.jpg
  • - Sam Winchester (Supernatural): http://www.daemonstv.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/sn309_0134b-fd00e7ac-t3.thumbnail.jpg http://l.yimg.com/l/tv/us/img/site/50/63/0000035063_20061021052851.jpg
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