Maynard James Keenan
We sometimes wonder why Tool, A Perfect Circle, and Puscifer even do concerts, since the lead singer they all share clearly looks down on the people who attend them. Maynard is basically in the music business for himself and for his art; he considers fans that blindly obsess over everything he says or does to be sub-intellects who can’t go out and create something substantial and interesting on their own. In other words, don’t expect Maynard to be offered a Saturday morning cartoon show anytime soon.
A huge fan of social critic/comedian Bill Hicks, Maynard delights in trolling his audiences and exposing them as little more than mindless sheep, eager to follow a charismatic leader. He has been known to pretend he lost a contact lens during a show, only to delight as 15,000 people trip over themselves to look for it. He refuses to perform hits or encores, no matter how much he knows the fans scream for them. And, best of all, he named his most popular band Tool and sold tons of T-shirts that only said “Tool” on it, basically labeling his fans as giant penises and laughing about it all the way to the bank.
The singer has three bands but, if you dare ask him about the wrong band at the wrong time (such as Tool when he’s clearly promoting Perfect Circle), you will get stony silence at best, a verbal browbeating at worst. If you gush to him about how a Tool song from 15 years ago gave meaning to your life, he might well tell you to grow up and stop obsessing over words from the past. And, if you dare to ask him about music when the topic is his personal line of fine wine, be prepared to figuratively die. You would literally die if Maynard could figure out a way to do so without going away for life.
What part of Vince Offer doesn’t scream hatred, exactly? A failed comedian turned failed actor turned failed infomercial pitchman, Offer has spent his entire career spitting out lame jokes and blatant sexual innuendo, complete with a smile that looks exactly like the last thing a murder victim sees before he’s dragged off into an abandoned warehouse to meet his maker.
Offer broke into the public eye with the Underground Comedy Movie, which was only considered a comedy because it has the word “comedy” in the title. Without that helpful hint, we literally would not have known it was supposed to be funny. With 90 minutes of unimaginative gross-out scenes, a slew of Joey Buttafuoco-style celebrities who were famous because of one thing they did that wasn’t particularly good or interesting, gratuitous boob shots that were flashed around wherever a joke was originally planned, and stupid pratfall gags that even a toddler would find more sad than hilarious, UCM failed to make any decent bread, and Offer was reduced to selling glorified sponges and nut grinders at local flea markets.
Eventually, a TV guru decided that television just wasn’t ridiculous enough already, and so Offer got to sell his sponges and choppers on the tube. And here he exists to this very day, selling us Shamwows and Slap-Chops in a breakneck bada-bing style of wice-acre-speed-talk that blatantly say to the viewer “I don’t care about this stupid product or you, so I’m just going to treat this gig like a bad 80’s stand-up routine, and I’ll get paid, and I’ll get the hell outta here, and I’ll find some brainless hoochie who’ll sleep with me because I’m a big television star! And what’re you doing tonight?! None of that, I’m damn sure!”
All of this adds up to Offer being an insanely hateful celebrity who really couldn’t care less if you know he hates you. By the time he drops his famously random “ya gonna love mah nuts” line (because he’s selling the Slap-Chop, see, and it chops nuts, so he makes you think he means sex nuts, but he really means food nuts. You see. Gee, there are a lotta crickets out there tonight) you can barely bring yourself to care. Another thinly-veiled sex joke, but this time he didn’t even bother to thinly veil it. He’s so creative.
Have some more celebs with obvious disdain? Post a comment in the section below!
- - Michael Jordan: http://www.99perfume.com/image/JORDAN_M.jpg http://apexnewsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/Picture-3-300x266.jpg
- - Gene Simmons: http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/kiss.jpg http://blogs.philadelphiaweekly.com/music/files/2009/10/a244_kiss.jpg http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/photos/uncategorized/kisskondom.jpg
- - Maynard James Keenan: http://www.animationshops.com/images/products/large/img_4270.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v110/RogueDDT/mjkkabuki.jpg
- - Vince Offer: http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm10/Inkara1/shamwow.jpg http://www.yousoundlikearobot.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/slapchopnuts.jpg