14 Bizarre Kids Cereal Boxes

Posted on September 26, 2010
Views: 57,709

Subscribe to our newsletter

Advertisements

Children’s cereal is big business. When your customer base thinks artificially colored and sugared cardboard is a gourmet meal, the stuff really should sell itself. Unfortunately, between you and the hyperactive brats there stands parents holding the purse strings and suggesting oatmeal or fruit instead.

Good cereal producers know the key is to utilize the surprising lung capacity and lack of social inhibition characteristic of children by having them throw tantrums in the middle of the crowded cereal aisle. To achieve successful tantrums, they must make the cereal irresistible. Bright colored boxes and loveable characters are the key. Most of the time it works and we grow to love those characters.

kids

But sometimes the efforts are just plain weird, as these notable standouts show.

1.

Corn Crackos

Sugared cereals are like crack to little kids, and with Corn Crackos the Post Company wasn't trying that hard to hide this fact. Sure, they'll tell you cereal came out in 1967 before crack became an urban epidemic. But when the spokesman is an aggressive crow whose marketing tactics mirror those of drug dealers, you can’t help but wonder.

Watch the bird force his way onto an unsuspecting populace:

The campaign uses time tested drug dealer methodology for trying to get new customers. First you have the free sample.

corn

Then the dealer adds a small price.

corn01

Then, full hooked, he ups the price and invites you to his cracko-fueled concert of psychedelic devil music.

corn02

2.

Mr. Muscle

If Post selling crack wasn't bad enough, they pushed steroids on the unsuspecting populace as well. Mr. Muscle was a sugar-corn cereal. Of course, sugared corn itself doesn’t add muscle. The box tells you to plug into the “Mr. Muscle Power Pack”, which is obviously code for some proprietary anabolic steroid mixture. The "charge" kids get from it must be ‘roid rage.

mr

Need more proof? Turn over the box and see the heart monitor reading on the back. Before doping on Mr. Muscle, you have a normal heart rate. After and you're in heart attack territory.

mr01

3.

Rice Krinkles

The idea behind So-Hi, the stereotypical mascot for Rice Krinkles, appears to be one part racism, and one part trying to appeal to stoners. Rice Krispies, with the "snap, crackle, pop" could entertain pot smokers for hours. Naming a character So-Hi was probably the best the creative team could come up with.

rice

TV advertisements make it more obvious. So-Hi, appealing to many stoner’s love of Eastern philosophy, spouts some pidgin Confucianism encoded with the message "Buy Rice Krinkles". And you thought Ovaltine was bad.

 

4.

Grins & Smiles & Giggles & Laughs

The Ralston cereal company is evidently made up of a group of unethical mad scientists. The minds behind the cereal “Grins & Smiles & Giggles & Laughs” have created some horrifyingly disfigured machine. It has an ear by its mouth and a bone sticking out of its head! Looking at its face, it obviously has sentience and can feel pain, yet the people around him laugh at his misery.

grins

The back of the box shows the machine looking back in fear as it runs away from its tormentors. He probably is seeking the nearest scrap yard to find the sweet relief of death.

grins01

5.

Crispy Critters

If you thought the furries internet culture was a recent invention, you’re wrong. The Post Company, with its “Crispy Critters”, was pushing anthropomorphic perversity for a while now. Hot twins are cool and if you’re into conjoined twins, well we won’t judge. But seriously, Post cereals, what the hell?

crispy

The lion with a heart shaped mane is making eyes at one of the two headed llama? Stick with your own species, lion! We don't need to see that on our way to pick up our Frosted Flakes!

6.

Punch Crunch

As kids, we all got the idea to replace the milk on our cereal with orange or apple juice. It was part of a lesson we all had to learn: most creative ideas you have will fail. Someone are Quaker didn't learn that lesson and thrust Punch Crunch upon us.

punch

They threw in a soap shaper tool, probably because children would have a newfound appreciation for soap when they used it to wash the taste of the cereal from their mouths.

7.

Quisp/Quake/Quangaroo

Quaker Oats, no doubt honoring its namesake denomination’s tolerance, gave us Quisp: the first gay cereal mascot with a homoerotic circus performer giveaway.

quisp

In addition to Quisp there was also Quake, a burly character that apparently played two roles in the local Village People Tribute band:

quisp01

Quake eventually got his cereal dropped and was moved in with “boxmate” Simon the Quangaroo on Quangaroos cereal:

quisp02

If you had any doubt if Quangaroo was gay, look how he rides a motorcycle

quisp03

Wait, is that Quisp in the background chasing after Quangaroo? Uh-oh, Quake is going to be jealous.

quisp04

Apparently the downfall in both cereals came upon the fallout from the love triangle. There is only enough room for two in the two-in-one bowls and Quisp and Quake are arguing over which one is better. Things look bad for that home-wrecker Quisp, as Quangaroo seems to favor his cowboy over the space alien.

Advertisements
Random
Page 1 of 3
Loading...

Latest Articles

20 Bizarre Flavors of Food You’ll Find Around the World

20 Bizarre Flavors of Food You’ll Find Around the World

People all over the world have different tastes in all sorts of things. Music, movies, television, politics, and so forth. And in some cases, it’s their actual tastes that vary...

20 of the Most Terrifying Things Kids Have Ever Said

20 of the Most Terrifying Things Kids Have Ever Said

Kids say the darndest things, as the old saying goes. They also say some of the most horrifying things, as well. Most of the time it’s just because they don’t know any better...

20 Creepiest Abandoned Hospitals From Around the World

20 Creepiest Abandoned Hospitals From Around the World

Hospitals can be scary places. They’re sterile and often impersonal, and oh yeah, there are often people dying all around you. And let’s not even get into the fact that...

7 Weird Ways People Try to Get Drunk

7 Weird Ways People Try to Get Drunk

People like their booze, and have for centuries upon centuries. It’s not a secret that basically as long as there have been human beings roaming the Earth, there have been human...

8 Ways Science Says Sex Is the Best Medicine

8 Ways Science Says Sex Is the Best Medicine

With a few odd exceptions, people love sex. Sex sells, people enjoy watching it, and more importantly, people enjoy having it. That’s because sex makes you feel good, and it...

10 Absolutely Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Music Videos

10 Absolutely Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Music Videos

Believe it or not, music videos are actually things that still exist, despite the fact that channels like MTV would have you believe otherwise. Celebrities popping up in a music...

7 TV and Movie Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Spinoffs

7 TV and Movie Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Spinoffs

One of the hardest things about writing fiction is coming up with interesting, fully developed side characters. After all, you can’t spend too much time on them because you...

8 Incredible Facts About Game of Thrones

8 Incredible Facts About Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones is an absolute juggernaut. There’s no denying it. Along with Walking Dead, you’d be hard pressed to find a television show that gets more online chatter that...

7 Books That Should Would Make Great TV Shows

7 Books That Should Would Make Great TV Shows

With the return of the immensely successful and wildly popular Game of Thrones, it’s only natural to look at the bookshelf and imagine what books may have a chance to rival the...

8 Completely Off the Wall Zombie Movies

8 Completely Off the Wall Zombie Movies

First things first, let’s not pretend that zombie movies are ever going to be exactly “normal.” After all, we’re talking about movies that center on the conceit that the...