In high school, I was a Cobra. That was embarrassing. In college I was a Mariner. That was boring. Then I became a teacher at a school that bore uniforms with “Beavers” emblazoned across the chests. I thought I had it pretty rough. Then I met these people:

1.

Stanford Cardinals (Stanford University, Stanford, California)

The mascot is a color. So what’s this green thing? And what’s he doing? And do the girls know that he’s doing it?

stanford cardinals

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2.

Yuma Criminals (Yuma High School, Yuma, Arizona)

Wasn’t this guy in that movie, Heat?

yuma criminals

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3.

Page Sand Devils (Page High School, Page, Arizona)

It’s creepy enough to want a devil for a high school mascot. But then put a diaper on him? What is that?

page sand devils

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4.

Ozark Hillbillies (Ozark High School, Ozark, Arkansas)

I’m wondering why a high school mascot is packing heat.

ozark hillbillies

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5.

Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes (Scottsdale, Arizona)

I will never look at artichoke dip in the same way.

scottsdale community

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6.

UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs (University of California at Santa Cruz, Santa Cruz, California)

He looks like an alien off the original Star Trek.

banana slugs

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7.

Oregon Ducks (University of Oregon, Eugene, Oregon)

This could quite possibly be the scariest mascot ever.

oregon ducks

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8.

Louisiana’s Ragin’ Cajuns (University of Louisiana at Lafayette)

What is there to say? That dude is just ugly. And his hair clashes.

ragin cajuns

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9.

TCU’s Superfrog the Horned Frog (Texas Christian University, Fort Worth, Texas)

He is really scary. And he doesn’t look like a frog.

horned frog

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10.

University of North Carolina School of the Arts Fighting Pickles (UNCSA, Winston-Salem, North Carolina)

They don’t have any officially sanctioned sports teams, so I guess that gives this pickle its excuse. I would be more intrigued by a big old fried pickle than a fighting one.

fighting pickles

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11.

Evergreen Geoduck (Evergreen State College, Olympia, Washington)

This guy’s got big balls. For a duck. Or a clam. Or a pickle stuck in a clam. Whatever he is, I’m sure he’s got big balls.