Ace Ventura, Jr.
The original Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is something of a comedy classic. It launched Jim Carrey to superstardom, thrust a ton of annoying catch phrases upon us, and spawned a moderately successful sequel. And then, in 2009, some genius decided to dig up the Ace Ventura name and make it overly kid friendly with Ace Ventura, Jr. Because what better way to capitalize on the success of the Ace Ventura franchise than to thrust some obnoxious kid actor into the titular role and have him try to act like Jim Carrey for a full movie?
Yet again we’re forced to deal with a movie that is a terrible sequel to a film that already had a sequel to begin with. In the case of Legally Blondes, the idea was that, rather than just one dopey blonde trying to make her way in the legal profession, the filmmakers decide that it’d be even more hilarious if there were twins who were making a mockery of the judicial system. Hilarious! What makes this one hurt is the fact that the director was Savage Steve Holland, who made his bones in the 1980’s directing the absolute classic John Cusack film Better Off Dead. We’d say that it’s a case of the mighty falling, but hell, the guy also directed the horrendous Dana Carvey movie Master of Disguise, so he’s been scraping along the bottom for awhile now.
My Summer Story
A Christmas Story has, in large part thanks to 24 hour marathons every holiday season, become one of the all-time Christmas classics. It’s more than just a holiday film, and is simply one of the finest films about adolescence ever made. And that makes it especially sad that not only did it lead to a terrible sequel, but that the sequel was actually written by Jean Shepherd and Bob Clark themselves. If those names don’t sound familiar, Shepherd wrote the story the original was based on, and Clark was the director of the original. The cast included Charles Grodin and Mary Steenburgen, so this wasn’t a failed sequel due to a lack of talent, but simply because it couldn’t capture the magic of the first and felt far too much like a way to capitalize on the late success the original enjoyed. This one simply had cash grab written all over it, unfortunately.
Marley and Me: The Puppy Years
First things first, just to get this out of the way: you’re a damned liar if you didn’t get a little misty eyed watching Marley and Me, which tells the story of a young family dealing with an unruly dog throughout the course of the dog’s life right up until he has to be put down in an incredibly emotional and impactful sequence. In a way, it’s kind of a modern day Old Yeller in that regard, so naturally someone thought the perfect way to do a follow up would be to make a movie about Marley as a puppy, and with the ability to talk. Yeah, someone decided to take the very personal story of the original, which was based on the very real newspaper columns written by the guy Owen Wilson played in that film, and more or less decide a sequel needed to be a lot more like Air Bud, because emotions are for suckers, and poop jokes are the best.
A Dangerous Man: Lawrence After Arabia
Lawrence of Arabia is considered one of the greatest films ever made. Seriously, it’s ranked number seven on the American Film Institute’s all-time list, ahead of movies like Schindler’s List and Star Wars. It tells the true (albeit Hollywoodized) story of TE Lawrence and starred Peter O’Toole in one of the greatest performances in movie history. So naturally, what better way to honor its legacy than to make a TV movie sequel to coincide with the original’s re-release into theaters in 1992? The sequel starred Ralph Fiennes, who presumably was trying to piss all over the legacy of the original because he was bitter about the fact the AFI ranked it ahead of his superb work in Schindler’s List. The original dealt with Lawrence during World War I, and the sequel dealt with the aftermath, because if there’s anything people want to see in a war film it’s a dude attending peace conferences and negotiations.
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