10 Halloween “Treats” (Worse Than a Punch in the Mouth)

  • October 30, 2010
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  • Lifestyle
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If Jesus didn’t like dressing up, why is he always appearing as stuff?

Thankfully a dying practice, but many readers (especially those living in areas that never have to worry about snow for Halloween) might be familiar with the horror that comes from expecting some M&M’s and getting a lecture about the wickedness of the pagan holiday. These people have no qualms about taking fifteen minutes to explain why your Batman costume is an affront to the lord. Sometimes the nice ones will even pass out their holy book, and then pray for your soul when they discover that same holy book clogging up their gutters in November.


Small, Crappy Soda Cans


I will admit that these are absolutely the perfect size to dent your garage door.

We’re pretty sure that giving out soda (or pop, or cola, or whatever you call it where you’re from) originally started back when kids didn’t live on a steady diet of high fructose corn syrup and water, hence making it a real treat. Then it became the last ditch effort for the guy who didn’t go shopping for candy, and that was just wrong. Now people are starting to embrace it, and it has to stop. Not only are these things too small to really quench your thirst and too bizarrely flavored to be any good, they also weigh a ton compared to other forms of better candy, meaning less time and room for the good stuff.


Random Junk (Toothbrushes, Pennies, Pencils, Stickers)


Go to so much hell.

Ships could sail on the tears of children who have the candy they wanted replaced by stuff they supposedly “need”. Halloween is the one time kids are actually encouraged to do something in excess. Do people think eating a bunch of candy magically negates the ownership of a toothbrush? That kids give two shits about school supplies, even if they have Halloween markings? That they’re going to count up those pennies and cash them in at the bank at the end of the night? Do they think that any child actually flosses!? It is our dearest wish that these people someday get the smack upside the head they need instead of the smug satisfaction they wanted.


No-Name Candy


Happy to help you clean out your dead grandmothers candy dish. At least that’s a little spooky.

There’s something to be said about the perceived value of goods. Even if they don’t look as nice, store brand items are often identical to their more expensive and attractive brand name counterparts. This does not hold true for candy, and everyone knows it. These are the chocolate bars with more wax than cocoa, the caramels that dislocate your jawbone, the lollipops that get really sharp and cut your tongue and the taffy that fuses to the paper and makes itself inedible. You want to save money on Halloween? Have the decency to sit quietly in the dark until midnight. Otherwise, cough up the extra five bucks for some goddamn mini-Twix.


Full Size Candy Bars


Yeah, thanks alo... oh... wow... I didn’t expect that.

Think back to your childhood. At first glance, these were the motherload. You could hardly believe it when the kindly man with a twinkle in his eye passed you the full-size Hershey bar like Prometheus handing down the divine, life-giving fire. You got one of these in your bag and you felt like you’d finally won Halloween.

And you had. But the victory was short lived... by the next house you were right back to the “fun sized” candy at best, but more likely you ended up with more of the crap on this list. Yet, you didn’t forget that big candy bar. You even tried going back to that house, swapping costume parts with your friends to try to fool them into giving you another, but it never worked. You become angry, jaded. Everything less than a full size Snickers felt like a slap in the face. Finally, you found yourself throwing a perfectly good single Reece Peanut Butter Cup back in the face of a surprised retiree, and the reality of the situation finally sunk in.

You were too old for this shit. Your childhood is over. Damn you, full size chocolate bar. Damn you.

Ready to take up arms to defend those candy corns? Got a beef with a candy we missed? Post below!

You can also get heaping bags of Kevin Mack’s stupid opinions by following him on Twitter. Written by Kevin Mack – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - Homemade “Treats”: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gVe56iUjJEg/SuHB4nm5AEI/AAAAAAAAHsU/IiKhlHXqFGU/s400/2010mk.jpg
  • - Chips and Pretzels : http://www.motivators.com/images/products/PromotionalMiniPretzelsPSPZ1.jpg
  • - Bullshit From the Cupboard: http://www.melburyandappleton.co.uk/ekmps/shops/melburyapple/images/baker-s-unsweetened-chocolate-2654-p.jpg
  • - “Classic” Candy (Circus Peanuts, Candy Corn): http://i55.tinypic.com/2mwgns1.jpg
  • - Fruit (Apples, Raisins, etc): http://www.nyapplecountry.com/images/photosvarieties/redrome04.jpg
  • - Religion: http://www.akawilliam.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/jesus-toast.jpg
  • - Small, Crappy Soda Cans: http://www.jonessoda.com/gifs6/jones-halloween-11.jpg
  • - Random Junk (Toothbrushes, Pennies, Pencils, Stickers): http://www.wellpromo.com/upload/upimg53/Bsi-Halloween-Toothbrush-267853.jpg
  • - No-Name Candy: http://meandtheblueskies.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/bulk-candy-image_medium.jpeg
  • - Full Size Candy Bars: http://www.gimenez.biz/legend/images/hershey.jpg