To make a ton of money selling video games, you need a few things. Firstly, you need good graphics, because no-one’s going to buy your amazing game if the gameplay resembles something that the Commodore wouldn’t touch. Secondly, it needs a decent title, because it needs to pump the potential buyer up when they’re looking at it in the store. Thirdly, you need decent box art. Unfortunately, a lot of games fail on this last thing. Games like...
OK, so this is apparently meant to be Uncle Fester. You know? The one who starred in The Addams Family and was a transvestite who walked around wearing lipstick and designer fur coats? Wait, you don’t know that one? That’s because this never happened. Why these artists thought this was the case though is beyond all comprehension to us. The only possible reason we can suggest is that they might some have kind of issues with their moms or perhaps they accidentally walked in on their dads wearing women’s clothing, and this is how the psychiatrist recommended they work through that horrifying ordeal. So how do we rid ourselves of the horrifying ordeal of seeing this?
We played a lot of Donkey Kong when it was first released. We know all the secrets of the game, and have such an understanding that we could probably beat the damned thing in our sleep whilst being hoisted upside down from a crane. However, we don’t know when any of this stuff happened. For instance, none of us can recall Mario looking like a suave actor from an Italian soap opera or being called ‘Jimmy’, as his armband would suggest or somehow getting his greasy mitts on the hammer of Thor. Likewise, we don’t know when Donkey Kong was so... what’s that word we’re looking for... goddamned racist? Seriously, this is sort of shit that ACLU should have been protesting back in the day rather than The Jetsons being an example of robo-ism.
Gah! How many covers did this game have? There must be more versions of this game than there were barrels being thrown at you during it, that is to say a lot. The best question though is how this cover manages not to be so obviously racist as the other one, but still manage to suck so spectacularly hard? Why is Popeye attacking what appears to be a cross between a gorilla and the equally massive Slowpoke from Pokemon? Why are those bananas bigger than Mario’s head? And why does Princess Peach look like an elderly version of Marilyn Monroe who has been dipped in a vat of red paint?
Well, if we can’t give the game any points for not being as creepy as shit, then we guess we have to award it something for being succinct with the title. This game sure as hell has something to do with clowns, no question about it. Particularly these clowns, who all look like they’d take great pleasure in gutting you like a fish. At least we have some idea of where Stephen King got his inspiration for the character of IT now. It wasn’t some screwed up trauma manifesting itself as a hatred of clowns; it was probably having to play this goddamn game at some point or having accidentally seen it whilst walking around Walmart as a college kid.
Whatever The Goddamn Hell This Game Is
No, we’re pretty sure this isn’t the hotly anticipated cover from Nintendo’s forthcoming video game adaption of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Although if it was, it would answer all of the questions swirling around in our heads at the moment. For instance, why are those kids on the moon when they clearly aren’t old enough to have gone through astronaut training? Nah, only kidding. Our actual question is: why in the mother of God is there a man without skin teaching children about goddamn astronomy whilst sitting on the goddamn surface of the goddamn moon? Duh. What else could it be?
Psychotic Horse Riding Bonanza
Or, as the games producers would prefer that we refer to it: Winning Post 3. Man, you have to imagine what sort of cover art they had on the first two games... oh wait, they had normal artwork. Did the guys who made this game just burn every bridge that they had with every artist in town, up until the point where all they had left to work with was that guy who ‘does the weird shit with the young girls, the masks, and the horses’, or the guy who finger paints paintings using his own poop? Obviously it was the first one by the way; lord knows the second guy would have had more sense than to get involved in this project.
Bust A Move 2
If we make some really old nerdy jokes about Doctor Who, there’s a good chance that no-one in our audience will understand them. And then we’ll have our lunch money stolen because we have to live up to the clichés and stuff. Anyway, what we wanted to say is that this guy on the front cover (i.e. the only guy there) looks uncannily like William Hartnell, the first Doctor. Go on, Google it bitches. There’s no way that any of you commenter assholes are going to get us on this point because we love our classic Doctor Who. Now if we could have our book bags back, that would be fine.
Julie Finds A Way
Here you go, don’t say we don’t give you anything. Here’s a new game we just invented. It’s called ‘Julie Finds a Way to...” and you have to come up with the most likely scenario for this cover art. Currently, the most favourite answer in the office is ‘Julie Finds a Way to Bury the Bodies So No-One Will Ever Find Them’. She’s even holding a goddamn shovel, how are you not seeing this?! Also, what is it about Nintendo that results in such shitty cover art? This must be like the fifth game from that company on here, and the rest are all Donkey Kong for Christ’s sake. Although it was a brave move of the makers to hire an artist not to create a cover image in Photoshop or anything that uses electric, but instead just used watercolours. Brave man.
Donkey Kong 3
This Game Because HELL If We Can Find A Title For It
We don’t know whether we want to buy this game, or have the guys who made it and designed it placed under some kind of mental care. This looks like a cross between a train simulator, complete with crazy Thomas The Tank Engine style train in the top-right corner. There’s also some kind of Greek influences like God of War, thanks to the naked pointing man in the top-left corner. There’s a Spiderman like villain wearing a multi-coloured party hat in the bottom-left corner, and of course the two naked wrestlers in the middle. Actually, screw it, we already know. We’re looking on eBay for copies now because this seems like the best thing ever.